Let me apologize up front. This is out of order. I have 4 more entries awaiting publishing, but I proofread them and they just look like they were written by an angry, bitter guy. So context will come within the few days...but hopefully written from the perspective of a guy with a little more grace and peace.
So we've been pleading with God, going bonkers with anxieties and fears, and having way more questions than answers in the last few months. Questions of "what will we do if he never comes around - never really attaches or acts like a son?" I can hear the cliches concerning "God's will" concerning our situation - things are bad so we must have missed something or done something wrong or didn't prepare sufficiently. I don't think things are that cut-and-dry. Sometimes we can do everything "right" and it still turns out badly in our human eyes. The events over the last year have really changed by perspective. We live in a fallen world and bad stuff happens everyday, all the time. God is with us. Truth is absolute; my understanding of Truth is not. I see dimly.
I'm also haunted by the words of a great friend who said his son, similar to ours but 25 years ago, never came around. His son opted to live in defiance. My friend is broken still today. I don't want to be him - I don't want that story. That scares me. But God showed me something - it took 4 months to really understand fully before the lightbulb finally went off. Of all my friends who love the Lord and are walking with Him, there is one friend in particular whom I would say I look to, honor, and respect the most. He's a true spiritual giant in the land. He's gained great wisdom over the years, and he's finishing strong now in his 70's. He doesn't have a mega-ministry, a radio show, or some great following. But it is this friend that I look at his relationship with his wife and how he cherishes her - I want that. It is this friend that I turn to for wisdom - he has a ton of it, but says he has none. It is this friend whom I respect his understanding of spiritual warfare the most. It is this friend who has the prodigal son whom he's still waiting to come home and his heart still aches. And it is this friend whom I envy the most with his relationship with the Lord. He knows God, and God showed me why - my friend became a friend of God through embracing his trials that he endured throughout his life. He lived through the heartbreak of having a son who never really came around. He gained God's perspective of how He sees us - He loves us all, we're His sons and His daughters, but some of us just never come around. My friend is continually telling me, "Don't focus on circumstances, focus on what He is doing in and through you through circumstances." I get it.
This walk is supposed to be about deepening a relationship with Him. Sometimes relationships hurt. I asked to become a friend of God. He is faithful. We are so new in this process of adoption and we still have hope of things coming around. A breakthrough came this week - my fears and the cloud with it has been lifted. No matter the outcomes of trials in life and how it doesn't look like what we expected, He loves me and will continue to teach me to trust in His love throughout this journey!
So we've been pleading with God, going bonkers with anxieties and fears, and having way more questions than answers in the last few months. Questions of "what will we do if he never comes around - never really attaches or acts like a son?" I can hear the cliches concerning "God's will" concerning our situation - things are bad so we must have missed something or done something wrong or didn't prepare sufficiently. I don't think things are that cut-and-dry. Sometimes we can do everything "right" and it still turns out badly in our human eyes. The events over the last year have really changed by perspective. We live in a fallen world and bad stuff happens everyday, all the time. God is with us. Truth is absolute; my understanding of Truth is not. I see dimly.
I'm also haunted by the words of a great friend who said his son, similar to ours but 25 years ago, never came around. His son opted to live in defiance. My friend is broken still today. I don't want to be him - I don't want that story. That scares me. But God showed me something - it took 4 months to really understand fully before the lightbulb finally went off. Of all my friends who love the Lord and are walking with Him, there is one friend in particular whom I would say I look to, honor, and respect the most. He's a true spiritual giant in the land. He's gained great wisdom over the years, and he's finishing strong now in his 70's. He doesn't have a mega-ministry, a radio show, or some great following. But it is this friend that I look at his relationship with his wife and how he cherishes her - I want that. It is this friend that I turn to for wisdom - he has a ton of it, but says he has none. It is this friend whom I respect his understanding of spiritual warfare the most. It is this friend who has the prodigal son whom he's still waiting to come home and his heart still aches. And it is this friend whom I envy the most with his relationship with the Lord. He knows God, and God showed me why - my friend became a friend of God through embracing his trials that he endured throughout his life. He lived through the heartbreak of having a son who never really came around. He gained God's perspective of how He sees us - He loves us all, we're His sons and His daughters, but some of us just never come around. My friend is continually telling me, "Don't focus on circumstances, focus on what He is doing in and through you through circumstances." I get it.
This walk is supposed to be about deepening a relationship with Him. Sometimes relationships hurt. I asked to become a friend of God. He is faithful. We are so new in this process of adoption and we still have hope of things coming around. A breakthrough came this week - my fears and the cloud with it has been lifted. No matter the outcomes of trials in life and how it doesn't look like what we expected, He loves me and will continue to teach me to trust in His love throughout this journey!
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