I was out on our front deck recently, overlooking our snow-covered, barren yard. Life over the last 18 months had finally caught up to me. The reality of never having our Latvian daughter in our home was tough to bear. The picture of what life will be like with our new son moving forward has become a thorn in my side. I have never known 'tired' like I know now. At my most recent low point, I was gravely disappointed that the Mayans were wrong. But echoing in my head repeatedly is a phrase that came to my friend over 2 years ago as we prayed together, "Focus on the bright spots." I continued to look out on the dead of winter that had set in. I thought to myself ,"Bright spots?" The young blueberry bushes caught my eye. They looked like little sticks jutting out of the ground. Dead. Much how I felt. Dead. As I looked around, I lamented to the Lord, "Yuck, everything is so dead. It's so cold." Silence. I continued, "Not everywhere in the world has this ridiculous cycle of warmth and cold. I'm not much for the cold. Bright spots? Where are these bright spots?" Then in the midst of the chill, "It's the season. Life comes in seasons. Those blueberry bushes aren't dead - their roots are deepening and strengthening. Though it looks unfruitful, this season is preparing them for a fruitful spring. Seasons. Knowing the seasons is important. Preparation." I was overwhelmed with the sense of us being in that season. I don't feel fruitful. I feel dead. The words of Jim Palmer still haunt me. Do I *really* want to know this God of ours? I'm in the midst of real pain, real hurt, real life beyond my suburban, western, posh life. The wearing out tactics of the enemy were working. I wanted to run as far as I can from this mess. Winter. Yuck.
Another voice continues to echo in my soul. I remember calling my friend Jim with a sense of panic at week one of bringing home our son. Our conversation went something like this:
"Tom, don't focus on your circumstance. Focus on what He is doing *in* you and *through* you during this time. That's what He's in the business of doing - He doesn't care about your comfort, He cares about your heart."
Hrumph. I knew that, but at the same time, I didn't really know that. That doesn't sound like rainbows and unicorns. I wanted rainbows and unicorns. Not really. I was prepared for a work, messy work, just not this work. This is a lot of work! Different work. I was ready to build a bridge over the Jordan - I had planned a beautiful bridge...unfortunately, we arrived at the Red Sea.
The conversation continued:
"You prayed for something - you brought this on yourself, you know? What did you pray for?"
"Well, we prayed that the Lord would break our hearts with what broke His and teach us to love like He does."
We both chuckled. He said, "Well of course! He answered that one, didn't He!?! And I bet somewhere in there you prayed to sharpen your spiritual warfare skills, too. Battle-time, buddy! Saddle up!"
Recently we spoke again. His word for us, "Remember in the Word, when the disciples were frustrated that deliverance wasn't coming with a particular child, Jesus told his disciples 'this one only comes out by prayer and fasting.' I think he may be telling you '*these ones*' - you ready? People like you, who endure this race to the end, write books to tell others how to walk with Him and to war in the Spirit to win these battles. This is the stuff testimonies are made of."
I don't want to write a book.
Faith. Trust. This I am learning - I am not in control of the outcome, nor are good outcomes a guarantee. He's in charge of that. My disappointment comes at the distance between expectation and reality. Circumstance isn't what is important. It is what He is doing in the midst of circumstance.
Setting deeper roots. Preparation.
I continue to fertilize with the Word, trying to see what it says about deliverance and "this one," and how others found victory who have gone before us. I have never been entrenched in spiritual battle quite like I am now. The victory is ours; can't come soon enough!
Another voice continues to echo in my soul. I remember calling my friend Jim with a sense of panic at week one of bringing home our son. Our conversation went something like this:
"Tom, don't focus on your circumstance. Focus on what He is doing *in* you and *through* you during this time. That's what He's in the business of doing - He doesn't care about your comfort, He cares about your heart."
Hrumph. I knew that, but at the same time, I didn't really know that. That doesn't sound like rainbows and unicorns. I wanted rainbows and unicorns. Not really. I was prepared for a work, messy work, just not this work. This is a lot of work! Different work. I was ready to build a bridge over the Jordan - I had planned a beautiful bridge...unfortunately, we arrived at the Red Sea.
The conversation continued:
"You prayed for something - you brought this on yourself, you know? What did you pray for?"
"Well, we prayed that the Lord would break our hearts with what broke His and teach us to love like He does."
We both chuckled. He said, "Well of course! He answered that one, didn't He!?! And I bet somewhere in there you prayed to sharpen your spiritual warfare skills, too. Battle-time, buddy! Saddle up!"
Recently we spoke again. His word for us, "Remember in the Word, when the disciples were frustrated that deliverance wasn't coming with a particular child, Jesus told his disciples 'this one only comes out by prayer and fasting.' I think he may be telling you '*these ones*' - you ready? People like you, who endure this race to the end, write books to tell others how to walk with Him and to war in the Spirit to win these battles. This is the stuff testimonies are made of."
I don't want to write a book.
Faith. Trust. This I am learning - I am not in control of the outcome, nor are good outcomes a guarantee. He's in charge of that. My disappointment comes at the distance between expectation and reality. Circumstance isn't what is important. It is what He is doing in the midst of circumstance.
Setting deeper roots. Preparation.
I continue to fertilize with the Word, trying to see what it says about deliverance and "this one," and how others found victory who have gone before us. I have never been entrenched in spiritual battle quite like I am now. The victory is ours; can't come soon enough!
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