I haven't written for over a year. I've had this nagging sense of apathy overtaking my being. Maybe it's partly because I've stopped writing. Maybe it's my love affair with beer. Life was on autopilot. I was ever-increasingly becoming numb to life. I didn't really feel any highs, and not really feeling any lows.
Recently, my wife pointed this out to me. She said she didn't like our trajectory. Of all the Brene Brown and Jim Palmer stuff I loved and repeated ad nauseam, I sure wasn't living that way.
I've been asking myself - where did I go off course? What do I need to do?
I read an article about the sins we deem acceptable in the church. I found it intriguing, honest, and truthful. Unfortunately, I saw too much of my behavior in the sins he was pointing out as "acceptable." I've been increasingly becoming sick of my apathy, and my goto knee-jerk reaction is to blame externals, judge others, and become more apathetic. "Apathy’s best friends are passivity and entitlement." Passivity was getting the best of me. I can't blame externals on what's going on internally. Had I lost my wonder of God?
Whew, I need a beer.
Actually, no I don't.
That just contributes to the numbing...
I was listening to my friend Wayne's podcast over at the God Journey, "Going Against the Flow," and things started to piece together. As I listened, it hit me as he was talking about seeing God moving in His life. I find as of late, that conversation isn't happening. I'm not engaged in that conversation. And that's no one's fault but my own. See, too often it isn't as much about "what God is doing" in our lives individually as it is about what
He's supposedly doing in a collective group, ministry or church. Often times that just translates to the activities and programs surrounding an organization. I don't discount God doing something in the midst of a group, but I think His focus is more on us as individuals. Why do we look for the revival, the big healing wave, the next outpouring, etc. when He's just waiting to engage with me right here?
But back to my point. Often times our activities, programs, or entertainment can just result in, as psychologists put it, "parallel play." This term is defined as children playing in proximity to each other, but not trying to influence one another's behavior. Whether we do it purposefully to avoid intimacy, or just let the demands of life creep in and sap our energy, the issue still remains.
So my question is - if we aren't having that conversation - is that what leads to apathy? I know there are many reasons why we aren't having that conversation. I'd write a novel before covering that issue. But I can't help but ask this question internally. I stopped engaging in that conversation with others, and eventually with God.
So instead of ignoring this nagging feeling, I reached out to a friend and we hashed through some of this over facebook chat to see "what is God doing..."
I'll conclude with this - from Macklemore, one of the great philosophers of our time:
Cause' freedom is God.
Freedom is acknowledging the mask you have on
And possessing the strength to take it off.
Freedom is accepting every step of the path
And when it's hard having faith in the ability to embrace that
That's where you are,
And this is it.
Life can be a burden or a blessing,
The choice is yours to be connected.
It's there if you want it, you got it, now let it.
I believe that's the fullness Jesus speaks of - fully connected to this life we have and all that's within it. It's having the full measure of happiness for ourselves and for others in the victories and successes of life. It's also having the full measure of sadness and sorrow for not only ourselves in navigating through pain in this life, but also having empathy for others and sharing in one another's burdens as we struggle through the brokenness of this world and our false beliefs that skews reality.
