Reflections on the last 365 days...

June 30, 2011 marked the beginning of an incredibly wild and crazy year.  I learned a lot about myself, this world, my friends, this world's issues, my identity in Him, who I am as a father, who He is as a Father, pain, disappointment, pain, frustration, and more pain.

June 30, 2011 was the day that we brought home a wonderful girl from Latvia for 5 weeks.  For 5 weeks we welcomed her into our home, and she became a part of us.  We learned what it meant to live each day to the fullest - we didn't know what would happen at the end of 5 weeks.  We enjoyed the time we had together.

August 4th she went home.  The most agonizing pain I had felt in a long time...maybe ever.  I sent my daughter home on a plane across the pond.  Or was she my daughter?  Watching each of my children agonize over the loss of their sister was gut wrenching.

The next few weeks entailed whatever leg work I could do to set something into motion to make us a "forever-family."  I was told I was crazy for having too many children, and "what is wrong with you?"  And this was by supposed Christian organizations...but we've been down this road before.  After exhausting all avenues and coming to a deadend on multiple fronts, a process that took months with roadblock after roadblock, it looked like we'd wait for hosting in the Winter.

October 31st, we left under falling snow in Maryland to head for Ethiopia.  Our trip was filled with excitement and awe - international travel coupled with the joy of meeting our new son.  The highlight of the trip was definitely meeting our new son, but seeing Ethiopia,  the countryside, our sponsored children, and the people we met along the way was invaluable.  My friend Fikre, whom I met there on that trip, I yearn to return and just spend time with him.  I could listen to the stories of his travels and his work with the children all day long.  I made a friend for life.

Another interesting thing to note in that time period - as my wife's great grandmother passed away, she had a caretaker whom we met during her last days.  She was from Ethiopia.  The shortened story - she coordinated us getting together with her brother and his family while in our stay in Ethiopia.  Him and his family are so special - they made a feast, helped us around town with shopping, took us to lunch, showed such great hospitality - special people!  God was in the midst, taking care of us.


As soon as our trip came to a close, we were confronted with the harsh reality of Winter Hosting fast approaching, and no money for hosting or our return trip months later to Ethiopia.  I remember being in Ethiopia with my wife, discussing this issue, and concluding, "God, you're going to have to make money fall out of the sky or something, because we just don't have it!"  Within a week of our return, people from all different travels of our journey came forward and fulfilled the remainder of the hosting!  God was in the midst, taking care of us once again.


This winter hosting would be different.  We were uncertain of our travel to Ethiopia - we thought we might have to travel during hosting!  But then with drama unfolding with the U.S. Embassy, it was uncertain as to whether we'd get our son's visa and when.  Falsified testimonies, funny dates, pressure of witnesses, no-shows of witnesses was adding to the drama surrounding many people's cases in Ethiopia.  We seemed to be no different.  With all that swirling around, we were informed that no progress would be made in adoption in Latvia unless we hosted the older sister, too.  Hey, what's another child in the mix, right?  We'd welcome the sister, too!


Through that month of December, we reached our capacity.  Or so we thought.  Without getting into airing dirty laundry, it was an incredibly trying month where we saw not only what was unfolding in our home, but what was in our hearts regarding our situation.  The pressure of events in Ethiopia, coupled with one and sometimes two children not wanting to be with us made things very difficult.  We made the best of it, although it was obvious to us that not all members of the party wanted to be here.  We endured.  We loved as best we could.  We saw our own flaws and shortcomings.  We also saw the death of what was in the Summer, and grieved the loss of what we thought would be our future...

Here is a post from that time period - Me and God.


By Mid-January, they returned home.  I put together some things for folks in authority to influence the situation.  It was in a sense our last "fight".  I can't expound on much, but more heart-wrenching decisions and work involved to fight for a hoped-for daughter.  More waiting...

Our focus returned to Ethiopia in another fight to bring our son home.  Our case was forwarded to Kenya for further review.  The details of our case were deemed to be not exhaustive enough.  We hired an attorney.  More money...more money we didn't have.  More waiting...

We headed to Ethiopia at the end of February.  We reunited with Fikre, visited our sponsored children, met new folks along the way, and picked up our son.  And from that day, our lives have not been the same since!

Roughly four months have passed.  In that time, we were told "No" by our host child from Latvia.  Maybe that's part of a "plan" because we couldn't handle more?  Maybe we just live in a fallen world and bad things happen...I don't know.  I don't need to know anymore.  I could piece together details that would make it "look" like things were falling into place.  They didn't.  It took almost 8 months to finally hear a definitive "No."  Heartbreaking.  Maybe that is a "Final" no, maybe a "No for now."  Time will tell.  And as for our son, the stories are seemingly endless of heartache, struggle, frustration, and pain.  For the sake of privacy for our son, I'll just say this - we were surprised with a special needs adoption.  It has taken every ounce of my being.  We are in a spiritual battle each day.  So many specialists, so much time, so much energy, so much money...and it has been a lonely road.  It has been eye-opening in so many ways.


We are also recognizing our limits.  Through careful thought, prayer, and conversation, we are essentially leaving the ranks of homeschooling.  That was part of our 'identity' as a family - we were a homeschooling family.  That was really tough to let go - never realized how much that had become a part of us until we decided to hang it up.

I've learned, "How are you doing?" is such a loaded question.  Most people ask that as a courtesy, but they really don't want to hear the real answer.  The real answer?  Life kind of stinks right now.  People don't like to hear about "icky."  I don't like "icky."  I'm exhausted and worn out from the "icky."  I'm broke.  In debt actually.  The typical Christian cliches don't work.  I don't want to hear, "It's all in God's timing," or "That's all part of His plan," or some other 'pat' answer that is supposed to provide some solace in a situation.  Does that really help anyone?  Doesn't for me at least.  But what am I doing for others?  I can't really be there for anyone else at this point.  The tank is on E.  I'm spent.

The words of Jim Palmer haunt me weekly - do I want to know this God?  I am acquainted with pain - more pain than I care to deal with, really.  Would I trade it?  No.  The last year He has revealed to me who I am and what lies I still believe about myself.  He has shown me so many things through this time.  And this ounce of pain in the world that I've become acquainted with so well is such a minute portion of pain that God sees every day throughout this world.  And people endure much greater and more difficult trials than us.  I'm not looking for pity.  I'm not looking for money.  I'm not looking for a trophy.  I hope people can open their eyes.  I'm shocked at how good I was at insulating myself from this hurting world and building a theology around that insulation process, and touting "victory" from my cave.  I'm finding it hard to not harden my heart.  I wonder what we are all doing, just content to go to work, pay the bills, attend church, and maintain the status quo.  For what?  Often times I feel like Solomon in a way - it's vanity, it's vanity, it's all vanity...

Me and God

We asked for God to break our hearts with the things that break His. He's doing it. We are learning so much about Him and how He views us. It's so heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. It hurts.

There have been several things that have reasonated in my spirit this week:

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -Thomas Edison

"The most prickly of children is often the one that needs the affection the most" -Jenn's friend

I've posted below from Divine Nobodies by Jim Palmer. I posted this before, but I was re-reading it this week. God lead me to it and I think it is so applicable to where I am at. As I read, I realized, I'm sitting in 13D. Do I really want to go here with God?

Read below:

"From Nashville, we covered 8,792 miles to get there, and soon after arriving I was plunged into an evil I hoped existed only in nightmares. I would have long since conveniently buried this experience beneath a mountain of rationalizations if I hadn't looked deep into the vacant eyes of a twelve-year-old sex slave and vowed never to forget. Her expression cannot be purged from memory, and sometimes my mind plays tricks by imposing her face on some little girl I see walking in the mall or playing in the park. Returning to my past world of ignorance would relieve my grief, but it's impossible to go back.

He goes on to depict some graphic and horrific details that I won't put here. He goes on to give details of his mission with the International Justice Mission, a group which deploys operatives around the globe to rescue victims of horrific human rights crimes, usually involving children. He goes on, talking about being confronted with the realities of this world being right in front of him, and no longer buried in the obscure sections in the back of the newspaper. He goes on:

My worldview was turned upside down in the length of time it took to walk past the line of little girls waiting outside a clinic to receive treatment for AIDS and every sexually transmitted disease imaginable. I couldn't get back on the plane to Nashville quick enough.

I've done my share of globe-hopping, traveling to parts of the world most wouldn't be too interested to vacation in. One has a lot of time to kill on those long international flights, especially if you're like me and can't sleep well on planes. Flying home from South Asia, my books were stuffed in the bottom of my duffel bag, lost somewhere in the abyss of the overhead compartment. I decided I didn't want to risk waking up the kid next to me, who had finally stopped crying and gone to sleep. I had read every newspaper, was not interested in purchasing a thingamabob from the Sky Mall magazine, and had already seen Father of the Bride twice. So I sat and I thought...

Have you ever stopped to wonder, Where was God today? Yes, I know God is 'omnipresent,' but I mean specifically, where was God today? Where did he go? What did he see? How did he feel? I began imagining God present at that miraculous moment a precious life was born into the world, the joy and marvel of the newborn bearing God's image and uniquely fashioned by his hands. Taking in the beauty of a brilliant blazing sun slowly descending behind endless ocean waves, I have felt the company of the Creator amid the splendor of his handiwork. Jogging a woodland trail one autumn morning I passed an aged couple leisurely strolling in conversation hand in hand. God must have been there smiling as these soul mates shared a ripe and tender love, a gift from God, who is himself named Love. These simple but magnificent miracles inspire love and adoration for God deep within and draw me to him.

Somewhere over the Atlantic, forty thousand feet about the earth, these nice thoughts about God gave way to disturbing images I wish I could forget from my trip. Now the question, where was God today? tortured me. Today a ten-year-old girl is being strapped down tight to a bed and brutally and repeatedly raped. God is present. Today an eight-year-old emaciated boy is covered with a cardboard box and left to die. Slowly he slips into unconsciousness. God is present. Today a young mom of three wails in bed as her skeletal body writhes with the unrelenting agony of AIDS. God is present. Still, I grew angry. Why was God pushing these horrors in my face? I was emotionally spent and wanted to go home to myworld. God could have that world; that was his deal; he's God; I didn't live in that world.

Or did I?

Sitting in 13D, I uncovered something unsettling about myself. I don't really want a 'relationship' with God. Here's what I want. I want to share with God all I feel, all I need, all that grieves me, all that makes me happy, the puzzling things, the fun things, and the hard things, but I would prefer that God keep his stuff to himself. I don't want to hear about his pain and share in his grief. I don't mind listening to God as long as I'm receiving solutions, answers, and advice. Maybe what I really want is a divine vending machine: pop in my prayer, press the button for my need, and I'm good to go. A professional live-in massage therapist and a Starbucks within walking distance would be nice too.

Any relationship involves two people, you and the other. It seems that in a 'relationship' with God, we would desire to listen to the Other to learn what the Other is really like. But how is this possible without going through the adventure of each day with the Other? Can we personally and intimately know someone without sharing experiences, and doing things together--little things as well as big things, and taking the risks of love together? Wouldn't we want to learn how to love those whom the Other loves, to see them through his eyes? We would want to rest and celebrate together, to share beautiful things, to laugh together. But wouldn't we also want to enter into the pain and grief the Other feels when pain, injustice, and cruelty are inflicted upon those he loves? In every abusive home where a child cries in fear and pain, and in every city street where a homeless person shivers under newspapers on the pavement, the living Christ is there. Whether it's across town or on the other side of the globe, suffering people surround us. Maybe 'carrying Jesus' cross' is our free choice to become compassionately involved with him in the pain of others and be partners with God in bringing healing and transformation.

Just a small glimpse into God's world was enough for me. It's staggering to consider the intensity of anger and anguish I felt witnessing just a few injustices compared to what God must feel being personally and fully present to countless such heinous horrors 24/7. You'd have to be comatose not to feel God's hurt and anger ooze from the pages of Scripture over the oppression of the weak and vulnerable. Even after all my sophisticated exegesis of the Old Testament prophets and words of Jesus, I can't seem to get away from the fact that the main message of God to his people about injustice is to get off our rear ends and do something! This goes way deeper than feeling guilty about doing more; I'm trying to figure our how I got to the place where the things that break the heart of God are so marginal to mine.

I'm starting to wonder if I can even have a 'relationship' with God this way, and I'm left with the question of how much I really want to know God. There's no having it both ways. Whether I like it or not, the God who dances over the breathtaking sunrise weeps over each victim of brutality.

Any relationship runs the risk of drifting apart over time. Take boy meets girl. In the hunting phase (or 'dating' phase), guys become mysteriously and happily engaged in virtually everything the woman has interest in, including endless browsing at Pier 1 and watching Brad Pitt movies. We become brainwashed in love. College football, working out, and playing golf are easily sacrificed on the altar of love. They get married, and five years later, she's at the mall with a friend, and he's at home TiVo-ing the big game and watching Terminator 5 while running on the treadmill. They have grown apart due to their separate interests. When I started off with Jesus, I wanted to know everything about him. I would have gone anywhere and done anything at any cost. As the years rolled on, somehow I became less interested in him and more interested in me. More specifically, what he could do for me. Rather than a relationship, my Christianity morphed into some sort of divine self-help philosophy, problem-solving plan, and life-improvement strategy.

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I had a few moments alone with Varsha on a bench in the outdoor courtyard of the recovery ranch where she now lives. We sat and talked. I learned that being saved from the brothel was just the first step on her long and difficult road to freedom. It was going to take a lifetime to recover from the physical, emotional, and spiritual damage she had experienced. She knows one thing: this Jesus must be worth knowing if his followers risk their lives to rescue nobodies like her. Reaching into a brown paper bag, she bashfully pulled out a braided leather necklace and presented it to me. She made it herself. Part of the healing process had been her discovering a talent for making jewelry and dresses, which she sold at the market.

It was time for her to go; she had an appointment at the AIDS clinic in the city and an afternoon counseling session. I felt awkward and didn't know what to say. Wanting to hug her, I had become timid myself. Time was ticking, and so I clumsily asked, 'Do you mind if I give you a hug good-bye?' As we embraced, I closed my eyes. This was a holy moment. In my arms was a precious and priceless daughter of God. One million new girls every year around the world are forced into child prositution. Can someone like me or you really make any difference in such a massive sea of hurting people? It may not seem like much, but in moments like this, the ability to impact one life means a lot. God knows this one by name, and now she is free.

Sometimes what happens in our world is absolute evil, unimaginable chaos, and a stunning reversal of God's intent for creation. When my heart is broken open by suffering, especially suffering caused by human selfishness and cruelty, I meet a more complex God than I would prefer. Sometimes he is an uncomforting God who does not provide easy, consoling answers to my pleading question, Why? At other times he is a discomforting God, and his grief is simultaneously a cry for justice that enters creation like a mighty storm, rousing God's people from their sleep. While we wait in the darkness and ask God, 'Why did you let this happen?' God hurls the question back to us: "Wake up, people, to what is happening. Why do you let this happen in the world I gave you?'

Whenever people are victims of injustice, God desires intervention. Some people in our world suffer from lack of food, water, shelter, or medical care. I'm beginning to see there's a whole other category of suffering in the world, namely, oppression. It's a crime of opportunity when powerful people exploit the weak and vulnerable by taking what they have or forcing them to do what they otherwise wouldn't. This grieves and angers God, and we reflect his image in us when we refuse to tolerate it. This God is both powerful and vulnerable in ways that are consistent with relationship and with life. He cares deeply about the well-being of every person in every community. He is passionate about wholeness and peace. He also hardwired humanity with free will. With that will, people commit injustice and believers ignore it. To live faithfully in relationship with God requires facing the whole truth of our world, looking honestly at our part in it, and being true to our identity as sons and daughters of God in the midst of it. This discomforting God forces us to face reality and mobilizes us to do something about it.

Whether it's across the ocean or across town, it's never been about the number of people I can help relative to the size of the need. It's about relationship. With God. With one another. This one young girl in the middle of nowhere matters to him, and as we embrace, I feel she's starting to matter to me. We say our good-byes; she goes her way, and I go mine. Almost nine thousand miles is a long way to travel, but I think the distance between God and me is shrinking."

2 prickly kids in "overalls" showed up at my door this week. Where was God when they were orphanned? Where was God along the way to today? And today...where was He today? God is here and has been there all along the way. He's here today. He wants me right here with Him. He desires love, justice, and mercy. I think that is what is the hardest - I'm not particularly fond of my responses to my discomfort, anger, and offense in the midst of all this. These kids matter to Him, even though I'm ready to throw in the towel. No matter the outcome, maybe we'll see the distance between "God and me is shrinking"...it already is...

Judgement Coming?

There has been much talk surrounding Japan, and with the flood of prophesies surrounding Japan, and now California, there seems to be this underlying message that these things are occurring or going to occur because of judgement. For one, I find it in poor taste to push out prophetic words, saying "God's judgement," in their greatest time of need. I also find it odd that we're going to say California is next because God hates gays, Hollywood, the tech sector, and porn. Is that only in California? So New York is fine, the financial capital of the world? Or is love of money just more socially acceptable? What about Arkansas? They house the headquarters of a company forcing thousands of children into slave labor. They don't get judgement? Oh wait, cheaper clothes, groceries, etc. is more financially responsible so we can tithe more...is that it? Is that why they're safe?

Now this was the sin of your sister Sodom: She and her daughters were arrogant, overfed and unconcerned; they did not help the poor and needy. (Ez 16:49-50 NIV)

I'm on a Message Bible kick as of late, so I'll include that here, too.

The sin of your sister Sodom was this: She lived with her daughters in the lap of luxury—proud, gluttonous, and lazy. They ignored the oppressed and the poor. They put on airs and lived obscene lives. And you know what happened: I did away with them. (Ez 16:49-50 MSG)

So while many Hollywood actors have concern for social justice issues and are actually caring for the widow and orphan, we're going to fill a pew and cast judgement. Way to be salt and light! I'm really frustrated with how we can't seem to find the positive and look for God's hand at work in the earth. Praise God we live in a nation that cares for its own through social programs - should the church being doing that? Sure. But is it? Somewhat. Instead of complaining about who is doing this wrong, or that group doesn't do this - let's look at ourselves. Are we loving Father with all our heart? I'm done with firing missiles at others who aren't measuring up to our standards, all the while we aren't doing much of anything ourselves...ugh!

Quick note about Fair Trade and Social Justice

So as a part of this continuing unfolding in the journey, the Father has been showing me different ways to 'love our neighbor'. Over the last few years, the Lord has prompted us to slow spending and consumerism in order to give more and made us aware of opportunities to buy fair trade stuff such as chocolate, coffee, vanilla, clothes, among other things. But recently, the Lord took me to a couple of scriptures that really nailed me:


By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren. But whoever has this world’s goods, and sees his brother in need, and shuts up his heart from him, how does the love of God abide in him? (1 John 3:16-17)



Come now, you rich, weep and howl for your miseries that are coming upon you! Your riches are corrupted, and your garments are moth-eaten. Your gold and silver are corroded, and their corrosion will be a witness against you and will eat your flesh like fire. You have heaped up treasure in the last days. Indeed the wages of the laborers who mowed your fields, which you kept back by fraud, cry out; and the cries of the reapers have reached the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth. You have lived on the earth in pleasure and luxury; you have fattened your hearts as in a day of slaughter. You have condemned, you have murdered the just; he does not resist you. (James 5:1-6)


I believe under the New Covenant, all is His. This to me means that the notion of 10% is actually Old Testament living under the Law, and we are to give EVERYTHING. So, if I see need, which is evident around the world everyday, and I do nothing, is the love of God really in me? This isn't something I must do out of drudgery - the Lord loves a cheerful giver - but if I'm reluctant to let go, where must my heart be? Jesus said you cannot serve 2 masters...which brings me to the next set of verses from James. This is where I believe we are in America today in the church, You have heaped up treasure in the last days. It's preached from the pulpit! From human wisdom for ways to save x months and build a nest egg for retirement and blah, blah, blah - its all a "spiritual" way to excuse control and box out the need for faith in the Father. The other perversion is this whole prosperity gospel notion. How can you preach that message to those in the 3rd world? Many of these ones are the very people whom received our fraudulent wages of the laborers who mowed your fields. Sound familiar? They may not be mowing our fields, but people around the world are picking our crops, making our clothes, manufacturing our electronics, and so on and so on. All around the world, Wal-Mart, Target, and on down the list of American retailers force the hand of suppliers to drive down labor costs in order to produce low-quality crap for consumers to fatten themselves on. All at the expense of slave labor. I'm not against capitalism, but I am when fallen man gains at others' expense. If the love of the Father is truly in us, shouldn't our hearts break for our fellow man who works ridiculous hours under inhumane conditions, all to provide us with luxuries such as coffee and chocolate? And then for our hearts to be so calloused that we opt to support these companies because the price of the non-fair trade product is a buck or two cheaper!?! What is the condition of our hearts? Ugh...such things, I believe, grieve the heart of the Father!

"Divine Nobodies" and True Social Justice

The Lord has brought me through a season of 'unlearning' a bit from what I learned and reasoned throughout my walk "in the church". Seeing for my own life, I must return to simply "loving the Father" and "do the things Jesus did." Caring for the widow and the orphan, feeding the hungry, clothing the naked...these things are important to the Father.

I recently finished reading "Divine Nobodies" by Jim Palmer. As I was reading this book, a part really nailed me. I could try to blather on about his words, but I thought it would be best to just quote Jim's words...Jim is detailing a rescue mission in a South Asian country...young girls are kidnapped and then prostituted. He is posing as a customer so they can find where these brothels are to rescue these girls. Be warned, it covers a brutal topic, but its time we get our heads out of the sand!

"From Nashville, we covered 8,792 miles to get there, and soon after arriving I was plunged into an evil I hoped existed only in nightmares. I would have long since conveniently buried this experience beneath a mountain of rationalizations if I hadn't looked deep into the vacant eyes of a twelve-year-old sex slave and vowed never to forget. Her expression cannot be purged from memory, and sometimes my mind plays tricks by imposing her face on some little girl I see walking in the mall or playing in the park. Returning to my past world of ignorance would relieve my grief, but it's impossible to go back.

There are some details about my rude awakening in South Asia that I cannot tell you, including our specific locations. I traveled with a small band of highly trained professionals from International Justice Mission, which covertly deploys operatives around the globe to rescue victims of horrific human rights crimes, usually involving children. I saw Batman Begins, but I didn't realize there are actually people who risk their lives under cover of night, swooping in amid the horror to save innocent lives from the clutches of evil. These people are real heroes, and I met them in the dark alleys of one of the largest red-light districts in the world.

Until then, my most courageous endeavor was scooping up a half-dead mouse our cat dragged up on the back deck, terrifying Pam and Jessica [his wife and daughter]. A vaguely humorous scuffle ensued as things momentarily got ugly, but eventually the mission was accomplished. (Have you ever tried battling a mouse with a dustpan?) Not to say my Christian practices failed to embolden me. Hey, I can pass out church coffee mugs to strangers and do door-to-door neighborhood 'surveys' with the best of them. I wasn't quite prepared, however, for these IJM guys answering the WWJD [what would Jesus do] question by endangering their lives to free people most of the world wouldn't miss (in a nice kind of way, of course).

My job was to tag along, do exactly as I was told, and witness this heartbreaking tragedy with my own eyes. Arriving on an oppresively humid night, I taxied down into the red-light district with a guy I'll call Ron. I was briefed on the drive that we would work undercover, posing as customers looking for action to identify brothels forcing young girls into prostitution. Peeing in my pants became a distinct possibility, and that little form I'd signed about 'going at my own risk' began taking on meaning I'd never imagined. I am a terrible liar and actor; how was I supposed to play a pervert looking to have sex with little girls?

Less than two minutes after our feet hit the pavement, a pimp approached and offered a tour of the prime spots in exchange for ten bucks. (Westerners get first-rate treatment because exchange rates exponentially increase their spending potential.) Ron did all the talking, plunging us into a sea of nightlife. An abrupt turn down a grungy narrow alley finally brought us to what looked like an abandoned old building. We entered by climbing a steep stairway that dumped us out on a small landing outside a door that lacked an external knob. After a distinctive knock, the door opened into a dimly lit and glitzy lounge complete with plush 1970s-style carpeting on the floor and walls. Escorted to a comfy wraparound sofa, we sat next to real 'customers' (mostly Americans), who could have easily passed for my dentist or the guy who coaches my daughter's soccer team. No one spoke. We just sat there staring at this elevated makeshift catwalk directly in front of us. Anger began seething within me, and I felt I could actually kill somebody without regret. After what seemed an eternity, the lights went off and the catwalk brightened. Soft music began playing as the back door swung open, and a line of scantily dressed little girls made up with mascara and high heels wobbled out to present themselves. I was reeling inside.

Images often associated with 'escort services' and 'men's clubs' where glamorous sexy goddesses summon John Doe to a night of orgasmic bliss are far from the aberration that was playing out just two feet in front of me. These ten- to fifteen-year-old-girls looked pathetic and terrified as they were chided by the brothel owner to look energetic and maintain eye contact with customers who were making their rape selection. The younger they were, the more you paid. The littlest girls didn't come out. You had to specifically ask for them and show you had that kind of cash. Suddenly I was meeting the gaze of one little girl in a long black wig. Quickly glancing away, I noticed she continued staring right at me--or was it right through me? I wished for a cape and one of those superhero rescue gizmos to snatch her out of harm's way.

Those obscure headlines at the bottom of page D14 were now part of my world. Not wanting to remember or have anything to do with it doesn't work. The reality just won't go away or wash off. I've tried rationalizing, telling myself there are too many for me to make a difference, and it's those people and their governments who are to blame, and only they can fix it. I can't be responsible for people on the other side of the world and wouldn't know what to do in the first place. Besides, I have problems to address where I live (but I really don't). Certainly God's justice will eventually straighten all this out and everyone will get their just deserts. I tried all that mumbo jumbo and more.

But there I was, face-to-face with this horrified little girl staring at me, her shoulders so slight they couldn't keep the straps of her lingerie up. Despite all my sensible reasoning, it didn't add up to a very good answer to the WWJD question. Something from the well of my being cried out, 'Do something!' It would be worth the effort, the reward far exceeding the cost. IJM had supplied the opportunity for me to be part of meeting the most obvious need of girls like this, the need to be set free. Posing as customers, we acted unimpressed with each lineup of girls shown us in order to be taken to several spots. This enabled us to document the particular brothels using minors, information that would later be used to organize a brothel raid and rescue operation. IJM was banking on my greatest contribution being made once I returned back home by raising awareness of the horrific plight of children forced into prostitution.

During the cab ride back, Ron detailed the terrifying trap that captured these girls. Lured to the city by the promise of earning money as domestic household servants, they are taken captive, transported by night to a brothel, and sold to the highest bidder. Locked in a room the size of a closet, they are told they will be providing sex to customers on demand. When the first customer comes, the child resists and fights back. The brother owner beats her into submission with iron rods and electrical cords. She finally consents and begins providing sex six days a week, with up to ten customers daily. She is rationed one meal a day and not allowed to leave the brothel. When touring their 'bedrooms' (four to six girls crammed together per dingy room) I almost lost it emotionally upon discovering that the same little girls forced to give sex still sleep with stuffed teddy bears and rabbits.

My worldview was turned upside down in the length of time it took to walk past the line of little girls waiting outside a clinic to receive treatment for AIDS and every sexually transmitted disease imaginable. I couldn't get back on the plane to Nashville quick enough.

I've done my share of globe-hopping, traveling to parts of the world most wouldn't be too interested to vacation in. One has a lot of time to kill on those long international flights, especially if you're like me and can't sleep well on planes. Flying home from South Asia, my books were stuffed in the bottom of my duffel bag, lost somewhere in the abyss of the overhead compartment. I decided I didn't want to risk waking up the kid next to me, who had finally stopped crying and gone to sleep. I had read every newspaper, was not interested in purchasing a thingamabob from the Sky Mall magazine, and had already seen Father of the Bride twice. So I sat and I thought...

Have you ever stopped to wonder, Where was God today? Yes, I know God is 'omnipresent,' but I mean specifically, where was God today? Where did he go? What did he see? How did he feel? I began imagining God present at that miraculous moment a precious life was born into the world, the joy and marvel of the newborn bearing God's image and uniquely fashioned by his hands. Taking in the beauty of a brilliant blazing sun slowly descending behind endless ocean waves, I have felt the company of the Creator amid the splendor of his handiwork. Jogging a woodland trail one autumn morning I passed an aged couple leisurely strolling in conversation hand in hand. God must have been there smiling as these soul mates shared a ripe and tender love, a gift from God, who is himself named Love. These simple but magnificent miracles inspire love and adoration for God deep within and draw me to him.

Somewhere over the Atlantic, forty thousand feet about the earth, these nice thoughts about God gave way to disturbing images I wish I could forget from my trip. Now the question, where was God today? tortured me. Today a ten-year-old girl is being strapped down tight to a bed and brutally and repeatedly raped. God is present. Today an eight-year-old emaciated boy is covered with a cardboard box and left to die. Slowly he slips into unconsciousness. God is present. Today a young mom of three wails in bed as her skeletal body writhes with the unrelenting agony of AIDS. God is present. Still, I grew angry. Why was God pushing these horrors in my face? I was emotionally spent and wanted to go home to myworld. God could have that world; that was his deal; he's God; I didn't live in that world.

Or did I?

Sitting in 13D, I uncovered something unsettling about myself. I don't really want a 'relationship' with God. Here's what I want. I want to share with God all I feel, all I need, all that grieves me, all that makes me happy, the puzzling things, the fun things, and the hard things, but I would prefer that God keep his stuff to himself. I don't want to hear about his pain and share in his grief. I don't mind listening to God as long as I'm receiving solutions, answers, and advice. Maybe what I really want is a divine vending machine: pop in my prayer, press the button for my need, and I'm good to go. A professional live-in massage therapist and a Starbucks within walking distance would be nice too.

Any relationship involves two people, you and the other. It seems that in a 'relationship' with God, we would desire to listen to the Other to learn what the Other is really like. But how is this possible without going through the adventure of each day with the Other? Can we personally and intimately know someone without sharing experiences, and doing things together--little things as well as big things, and taking the risks of love together? Wouldn't we want to learn how to love those whom the Other loves, to see them through his eyes? We would want to rest and celebrate together, to share beautiful things, to laugh together. But wouldn't we also want to enter into the pain and grief the Other feels when pain, injustice, and cruelty are inflicted upon those he loves? In every abusive home where a child cries in fear and pain, and in every city street where a homeless person shivers under newspapers on the pavement, the living Christ is there. Whether it's across town or on the other side of the globe, suffering people surround us. Maybe 'carrying Jesus' cross' is our free choice to become compassionately involved with him in the pain of others and be partners with God in bringing healing and transformation.

Just a small glimpse into God's world was enough for me. It's staggering to consider the intensity of anger and anguish I felt witnessing just a few injustices compared to what God must feel being personally and fully present to countless such heinous horrors 24/7. You'd have to be comatose not to feel God's hurt and anger ooze from the pages of Scripture over the oppression of the weak and vulnerable. Even after all my sophisticated exegesis of the Old Testament prophets and words of Jesus, I can't seem to get away from the fact that the main message of God to his people about injustice is to get off our rear ends and do something! This goes way deeper than feeling guilty about doing more; I'm trying to figure our how I got to the place where the things that break the heart of God are so marginal to mine.

I'm starting to wonder if I can even have a 'relationship' with God this way, and I'm left with the question of how much I really want to know God. There's no having it both ways. Whether I like it or not, the God who dances over the breathtaking sunrise weeps over each victim of brutality.

Any relationship runs the risk of drifting apart over time. Take boy meets girl. In the hunting phase (or 'dating' phase), guys become mysteriously and happily engaged in virtually everything the woman has interest in, including endless browsing at Pier 1 and watching Brad Pitt movies. We become brainwashed in love. College football, working out, and playing golf are easily sacrificed on the altar of love. They get married, and five years later, she's at the mall with a friend, and he's at home TiVo-ing the big game and watching Terminator 5 while running on the treadmill. They have grown apart due to their separate interests. When I started off with Jesus, I wanted to know everything about him. I would have gone anywhere and done anything at any cost. As the years rolled on, somehow I became less interested in him and more interested in me. More specifically, what he could do for me. Rather than a relationship, my Christianity morphed into some sort of divine self-help philosophy, problem-solving plan, and life-improvement strategy.

The day before leaving we traveled far outside the city where I met a sixteen-year-old girl named Varsha. After four years of being locked away and languishing in a brothel, one night a first-time paying customer behind closed doors strangely wanted something other than sex. Instead, this IJM operative asked the frightened little girl to trust him. She provided enough information for him to begin organizing a brothel raid. Several months later, under the cover of darkness, a twenty-four-passenger van slowly crept down the alley behind her brothel. Without warning, a surge of armed men kicked open the front door and seized the house in a fracas of commotion. The back door was swiftly secured, and Varsha and a line of other girls were rushed out amid gunfire into the waiting van. While the van squealed off into the night, the brothel owner and customers were subdued, cuffed, and hauled away. Mission accomplished.

These IJM guys have a slightly different picture of Jesus than most of us do, convinced that if he were bodily present, his boot would have been the first kicking in the door. Most churches try to soften up and tame these kinds; you know, make them more compassionate and caring. Maybe the kingdom of God needs a few more who are willing to kick some tail and take names if necessary. Sure, we need to pray for victims of injustice, but has anyone thought of, well, like, rescuing them? My afterlife view of justice is real convenient since neither I not my daughter is the one being beaten senseless with electrical cords.

I had a few moments alone with Varsha on a bench in the outdoor courtyard of the recovery ranch where she now lives. We sat and talked. I learned that being saved from the brothel was just the first step on her long and difficult road to freedom. It was going to take a lifetime to recover from the physical, emotional, and spiritual damage she had experienced. She knows one thing: this Jesus must be worth knowing if his followers risk their lives to rescue nobodies like her. Reaching into a brown paper bag, she bashfully pulled out a braided leather necklace and presented it to me. She made it herself. Part of the healing process had been her discovering a talent for making jewelry and dresses, which she sold at the market.

It was time for her to go; she had an appointment at the AIDS clinic in the city and an afternoon counseling session. I felt awkward and didn't know what to say. Wanting to hug her, I had become timid myself. Time was ticking, and so I clumsily asked, 'Do you mind if I give you a hug good-bye?' As we embraced, I closed my eyes. This was a holy moment. In my arms was a precious and priceless daughter of God. One million new girls every year around the world are forced into child prositution. Can someone like me or you really make any difference in such a massive sea of hurting people? It may not seem like much, but in moments like this, the ability to impact one life means a lot. God knows this one by name, and now she is free.

Sometimes what happens in our world is absolute evil, unimaginable chaos, and a stunning reversal of God's intent for creation. When my heart is broken open by suffering, especially suffering caused by human selfishness and cruelty, I meet a more complex God than I would prefer. Sometimes he is an uncomforting God who does not provide easy, consoling answers to my pleading question, Why? At other times he is a discomforting God, and his grief is simultaneously a cry for justice that enters creation like a mighty storm, rousing God's people from their sleep. While we wait in the darkness and ask God, 'Why did you let this happen?' God hurls the question back to us: "Wake up, people, to what is happening. Why do you let this happen in the world I gave you?'

Whenever people are victims of injustice, God desires intervention. Some people in our world suffer from lack of food, water, shelter, or medical care. I'm beginning to see there's a whole other category of suffering in the world, namely, oppression. It's a crime of opportunity when powerful people exploit the weak and vulnerable by taking what they have or forcing them to do what they otherwise wouldn't. This grieves and angers God, and we reflect his image in us when we refuse to tolerate it. This God is both powerful and vulnerable in ways that are consistent with relationship and with life. He cares deeply about the well-being of every person in every community. He is passionate about wholeness and peace. He also hardwired humanity with free will. With that will, people commit injustice and believers ignore it. To live faithfully in relationship with God requires facing the whole truth of our world, looking honestly at our part in it, and being true to our identity as sons and daughters of God in the midst of it. This discomforting God forces us to face reality and mobilizes us to do something about it.

Whether it's across the ocean or across town, it's never been about the number of people I can help relative to the size of the need. It's about relationship. With God. With one another. This one young girl in the middle of nowhere matters to him, and as we embrace, I feel she's starting to matter to me. We say our good-byes; she goes her way, and I go mine. Almost nine thousand miles is a long way to travel, but I think the distance between God and me is shrinking."

So I'm torn in two. My flesh rises up as I look around the church and think, "Do we really want to know the Father, or do we want the vending machine god and feel good about ourselves." That is nothing more than idol worship. I'm tired of hearing this same old stuff, but nothing changes. Relationship is a 2-way street. Do we want to know what grieves the heart of God? How can we continue living a life of ignorance or worse, calousness? There are 145-160 Million orphans in the world. Do we care? 30,000 children will die today of starvation and preventable diseases. Do we care? Our clothes are made in sweat shops overseas by young children. Do we care? We eat chocolate and coffee at the expense of slave labor. Do we care? And at what expense? For our luxuries? The Lord is unraveling me. This is on our watch...I don't seem to have the same grace as Jim here. I know my words seem harsh and judgemental...maybe they are...maybe they need to be...or maybe I'm just letting my flesh and self-righteousness ooze all over the screen...so I'll stop...

So with my eyes back on me, the Father has been peeling away layers of stupidity in my life and walk...I seemed to have muddied the waters along the way and He's taking me back to being a simpleton....showing me what is of Him, what was sort of Him that I judged and tossed out or took pride in and wore as a merit badge, and stuff that isn't of Him at all that I claim to be...to be honest, I feel like I'm unlearning at least some of my charismatic/prophetic "theology". We speak of a "Coming Kingdom", and I used to believe God was going to do "a new thing" or "the next big wave." I think I wasted a good bit of time "interceding" for this next big thing. The Kingdom has been here and He's been trying to reveal it in the earth with nobodies willing to humble themselves...it's already here, within us, we jut need to yield...and maybe, just maybe I'm starting to get it....maybe.