Lessons Learned - a Retrospective

In my work, we have "sprints" and at the end of the sprint, you meet and have a "retrospective" to discuss what we've learned.  This is a lessons-learned of sorts - a retrospective of the "beauty" of our last 3 years.  I can see the beauty and how it prepares us for the road ahead.

August of 2011, the people my wife and I were is so very, very different than from who we are today.  Praise God!  But it came at great cost.  We were naive, excited, and filled with home and expectation.  Had you told us then what would unfold over the next 2 years, we would have turned and gone the other way.

Your word is a lamp to my feet    and a light to my path. (Psalm 119:105 ESV)

God planted the seed of living out "this day" and begin to slow down.  July of that year, He was speaking to us about how to relax into life as it unfolds at the same time, breaking our hearts with what breaks His.  And as we collectively do this - corporately - that's the church.

Second, he uses those situations in which you are challenged by need so great that you know you are powerless to resolve it yourself. Don't despise those moments or blame God for them. He doesn't create them. They simply result from a world out of synch with his desires that fall alike on the just and unjust. He will, however, use everything in your life, including your difficulties, to teach you how to trust Him more freely.

That's how Paul measured his troubles: "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even unto death...But this happened taht we might not rely on ourselves but on God...He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us." (2 Cor 1:8,9)

Taken from The Naked Church by Wayne Jacobsen pp.112-113

Momentary light afflictions.  The overcoming life.

Perspective and Truth

Nothing like a new year and a bout of unemployment to give oneself time to reflect.  I've been pondering many things over the past few days, trying to gain perspective.

So what exactly did Adam and Eve lose in the garden?  What if what was lost was simply perspective?  It says in Genesis "there eyes were opened."  Opened to what?  Their nakedness.  They weren't covered.  Fear.  What if all that occurred was that there eyes were opened to fear?  Instead of being totally enamoured with the goodness of God, they were now had fear, fully engage in the fear of lack, fear of evil, fear of God witholding every good thing....which that would be a lie, right?

Where does this battle reside?  The mind.  I believe that is why Christ died at Golgatha - the place of the skull.  Symbolic - His triumph coming by way of a cross at the house of the mind.   We must crucify our minds, taking our natural reasonings - our thoughts - captive.

Jesus said, "I am the Truth."  Reflecting on the events in our last couple of years, I can't help but ask the question, "What did I learn?"  A friend of mine said, "You'll see the beauty in time."  For the longest time I thought to myself, "yeah right," and told God to take a seat while I sorted things out.  But now - I can see it.  I can see the beauty.  But what exactly is that beauty?  I know the Truth.  The Truth was with me through circumstance.  The Truth carried me through circumstance.  The Truth has taught me who I am.  The Truth has set me free.

For years, I bought into a lie of thinking that freedom came by way of knowledge.  Sure, I dressed it up in a much more spiritually gorgeous cloak, but at it's root - I wanted knowledge about the truth.  In doing so, I missed knowing the Truth.  I would study scripture to learn the rules, understand the principals of the kingdom, then apply them to my life, thinking that if I abided by the truth, clung to an expectation of an outcome, things would work out.  See, my definition of this journey hinged on acquiring knowledge of truth, all the while not really knowing the Truth.  Faith meant conceiving an outcome that I desired, then clinging to that outcome and praying for it will all I had.

It left me empty, exhausted, and ultimately mad at God.

In time, I discovered what was at it's root.  It's no different than what Adam and Eve fell victim to in the garden.  Fear.  Someone once said to me, "Fear is faith for things you don't want."  Isn't that so true?  So why is it so easy to have faith in the things we don't want, but yet so hard to have faith in the Truth?  Every good thing comes from above.  He wants us to know how intimately He knows and loves us.  He wants to shower us with blessing!  The cross gets us back to the garden - no seperation.  So why do we still live in fear?  Why do we think God is trying to withold something from us?  Why do we think God is waiting for us to slip up, just to rip away a blessing?  Fear.  Wrong perspective.

Jesus said, "I am the Truth and the Truth will set you free."  He also said He'd leave behind the helper which would "guide us into all Truth."  Jesus didn't say, "I have a truth."  Jesus didn't say, "I have the truth/"  Jesus didn't say, "I know the truth."  He said it as if it were a state of being.  He *is* the truth.  Paul said we're dead and Christ indwells within us.    

So why is this so hard to understand?  I couldn't help but wonder, "How many of us are free?  Why aren't we free in the church?"  We're still afraid He'll keep us in the dark.  We're afraid we'll miss something and He'll withold some sort of blessing.  So to distract ourselves, we do all sorts of stuff - some "good", some bad.  But we fill the void with stuff.  All the while, trying to navigate that tightrope will of God....fear.  Paul said there are two forces - love and fear.  Which one rules us?

I'm begining to realize what Truth is.  I'm discovering who I really am in Him, peeling all the layers away of fear, seeing who I was created to be in Him.  I was created in His image.  He is pleased with me.  That's enlightenment.  That is True freedom!

Overestimating Myself

"The greatest barrier to living-loved is the overestimation of our own capability." -Wayne Jacobsen

I heard that on one of his podcasts several weeks ago.  The words echoed in my soul.  One of those times a man is saying something, but you know it is a living God really speaking through someone to you.  "Is this my problem,"  I wondered.  Is this why I live in a state of joylessness and constantly stressed out?  Within that same podcast, he quoted this scripture:

 What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. -Luke 12:29-32 MSG

Relaxed?  Me??  Ha!  Afraid of missing out? 

On the way to church one Sunday morning, I could hear that still, small voice whisper, "If I asked you to walk away from your house, would you?"  I thought for a moment, then replied, "That would seem unwise, plus that's a lot of money to leave on the table."  Then He asked, "If I asked you to do something totally different in your career, would you do it?"  He reminded me when we first moved, I had this itch to open a Rita's or a Subway up our way.  New town, no real experience in the restaurant industry - but I was ready to jump.  Man, was that naive and dumb...or was it?  I don't know...within 2 years, 3 Rita's opened up.  They're still around 7 years later.  Have I lost my child-like faith?  Or youthful zeal?  Or am I wiser and better at 'planning a tower' (Luke 14:28)?  I continued pondering, "No way I'd leave my career - I'm really good at this software engineering stuff.  I know what I'm doing - I'm good at it.  If you asked me to farm, I know some stuff about that, so maybe.  But anything else...I don't think so."  Hmm, where am I putting my trust - Him or me?  I started out good.  I truly believe my talents and abilities are God-given, and God watered them along the way to make them flourish.  But somewhere along the way, I took what He gave and ran with it.  Now my trust is in my own capability and not in Him.

There is comfort in sticking with what is safe and familiar.  And for a guy who always wants the 32,000 foot view, there is safety in that, too.  There is also the aspect of knowing the cost.  But in the end, what I'm finding is He doesn't seem too particularly interested in our comfort.  He's more in it for our hearts.  He's after our hearts.  He loves us.  I feel like the season ahead will bring great change if we fully trust and rest in Him.  My wife said this is the season to dream.  That's downright scary!

Winter, Disillusionment, and Some Perspective

I was out on our front deck recently, overlooking our snow-covered, barren yard.   Life over the last 18 months had finally caught up to me. The reality of never having our Latvian daughter in our home was tough to bear.  The picture of what life will be like with our new son moving forward has become a thorn in my side. I have never known 'tired' like I know now.  At my most recent low point, I was gravely disappointed that the Mayans were wrong.  But echoing in my head repeatedly is a phrase that came to my friend over 2 years ago as we prayed together, "Focus on the bright spots."  I continued to look out on the dead of winter that had set in.  I thought to myself ,"Bright spots?"  The young blueberry bushes caught my eye.  They looked like little sticks jutting out of the ground.  Dead.  Much how I felt.  Dead.  As I looked around, I lamented to the Lord, "Yuck, everything is so dead.  It's so cold."  Silence.  I continued, "Not everywhere in the world has this ridiculous cycle of warmth and cold.  I'm not much for the cold.  Bright spots?  Where are these bright spots?"  Then in the midst of the chill, "It's the season.  Life comes in seasons.  Those blueberry bushes aren't dead - their roots are deepening and strengthening.  Though it looks unfruitful, this season is preparing them for a fruitful spring.  Seasons.  Knowing the seasons is important.  Preparation."  I was overwhelmed with the sense of us being in that season.  I don't feel fruitful.  I feel dead.  The words of Jim Palmer still haunt me.  Do I *really* want to know this God of ours?  I'm in the midst of real pain, real hurt, real life beyond my suburban, western, posh life.  The wearing out tactics of the enemy were working.  I wanted to run as far as I can from this mess.  Winter.  Yuck.

Another voice continues to echo in my soul.  I remember calling my friend Jim with a sense of panic at week one of bringing home our son.  Our conversation went something like this:

"Tom, don't focus on your circumstance.  Focus on what He is doing *in* you and *through* you during this time.  That's what He's in the business of doing - He doesn't care about your comfort, He cares about your heart."

Hrumph.  I knew that, but at the same time, I didn't really know that.  That doesn't sound like rainbows and unicorns.  I wanted rainbows and unicorns.  Not really.  I was prepared for a work, messy work, just not this work.  This is a lot of work!  Different work.  I was ready to build a bridge over the Jordan - I had planned a beautiful bridge...unfortunately, we arrived at the Red Sea.

The conversation continued:

"You prayed for something - you brought this on yourself, you know?  What did you pray for?"

"Well, we prayed that the Lord would break our hearts with what broke His and teach us to love like He does."

We both chuckled.  He said, "Well of course! He answered that one, didn't He!?!  And I bet somewhere in there you prayed to sharpen your spiritual warfare skills, too.  Battle-time, buddy!  Saddle up!"

Recently we spoke again.  His word for us, "Remember in the Word, when the disciples were frustrated that deliverance wasn't coming with a particular child, Jesus told his disciples 'this one only comes out by prayer and fasting.'  I think he may be telling you '*these ones*' - you ready?  People like you, who endure this race to the end, write books to tell others how to walk with Him and to war in the Spirit to win these battles.  This is the stuff testimonies are made of."

I don't want to write a book.

Faith.  Trust.  This I am learning - I am not in control of the outcome, nor are good outcomes a guarantee.  He's in charge of that.  My disappointment comes at the distance between expectation and reality.  Circumstance isn't what is important.  It is what He is doing in the midst of circumstance. 

Setting deeper roots.  Preparation.

I continue to fertilize with the Word, trying to see what it says about deliverance and "this one," and how others found victory who have gone before us.   I have never been entrenched in spiritual battle quite like I am now.  The victory is ours; can't come soon enough!

Trying Not to Waste Trials

Growing to trust God is the essence of true spirituality, and fortunately he understands how difficult it is for us to learn that. Jesus will teach you how to trust his Father with the same patience that he taught his own disciples. Two kinds of experiences will be important here. First are those times when God provides for you or uses you in ways that leave you overwhelmed with his greatness and goodness.

Second, he uses those situations in which you are challenged by need so great that you know you are powerless to resolve it yourself. Don't despise those moments or blame God for them. He doesn't create them. They simply result from a world out of synch with his desires that fall alike on the just and unjust. He will, however, use everything in your life, including your difficulties, to teach you how to trust Him more freely.

That's how Paul measured his troubles: "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even unto death...But this happened taht we might not rely on ourselves but on God...He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us." (2 Cor 1:8,9)

Taken from The Naked Church by Wayne Jacobsen pp.112-113

I read that today and it really spoke to me, so I thought I'd share. I don't want to let any trial go to waste - this is the stuff He uses to shape us. I finally see it...

"Don't despise those moments or blame God for them." I spent much of my life angry. Much of my relationship with God was rooted in anger toward circumstance. If things were going my way, I must be walking in the blessing and was pleased with Him. But if things took a turn and became hard, I became hardened. I'm sure that produced quite a testimony to those around me of peace, joy, and love...

So here we are today. We just came out of a time where God used us in ways that left us overwhelmed with His love for us and others. Now we find ourselves headed toward challenges so great that we are powerless. He is working all things together - it is fascinating to watch as He unfolds each day along the journey!

Grass, mowers, and coming to the end of oneself

There I was, sitting in the middle of my yard overwhelmed by the lawn and all the work around me, having discovered yet another snake slithering through in the backyard earlier in the day. The grass was about 6 inches tall again. I had borrowed a tractor from a friend to mow the yard about a week prior. I remembered as I was riding it thinking this is what I needed here. I had tried to figure out a way to sell the 3 or 4 pieces of equipment I had that were broken down in order to muster enough money to buy something more suited for our property. I didn't have any money. It was my 25th attempt at fixing the lawn mower I had. I was tired. I had a million other things to do. I lamented to God. I remember telling Him something like, "Basically the only way I see this working out, Father, is if someone just drops by with something - I know you can do that...and I think that's what it's going to take, because this isn't working. I've had enough!" I finally finished by saying, "You put us here in this place, and this is where you want us, so if this is true, you figure out how to get this lawn mowed. I'm finished!" At that, I walked in the house and didn't give another thought to the jungle overtaking us.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule." (Matt 5:3 MSG)

That's where I was...at the end of my rope. I wasn't full of angst, worry or anger - just finished. I wasn't going to worry about it anymore...it was God's problem, whether I lived in a snake-filled house and yard, or could lose the children in the lawn within 4 feet of the deck - wasn't my problem - God could handle it.

I spent the week telling my children how God cares for us. There were a few fights to break up over "this is mine" or "that wasn't fair" and my response as of late has been to relax and just trust. God has been showing me to trust. He cares for us, he knows the number of hairs on our head. He'll take care of things if we let Him. He said to seek him first, and he'll add that other stuff to us - but seek Him first. Relax and trust, learning to live in the love of the Father...

Then I got a call from a friend this week. He told me to stop by because he had something to give me. When my wife asked what it was, I joked and said it was a car. Well, was I shocked when it was his lawn tractor! The thing is worth more than my car!!! He had said God told him to give it to me, that God wanted to love on me. I was absolutely shocked and humbled! I was taken back by my friend's willingness and obedience. It was so awesome to be able to hear about how God was using this to shape my friend and at the same time knowing what He was up to here.

Nothing is wasted with God! It absolutely amazes me how He is able to work all things together and that He does do immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine!