Lessons From the Trenches: The Joy of the Breakthrough!

Let me apologize up front.  This is out of order.  I have 4 more entries awaiting publishing, but I proofread them and they just look like they were written by an angry, bitter guy.  So context will come within the few days...but hopefully written from the perspective of a guy with a little more grace and peace.

So we've been pleading with God, going bonkers with anxieties and fears, and having way more questions than answers in the last few months.  Questions of "what will we do if he never comes around - never really attaches or acts like a son?"  I can hear the cliches concerning "God's will" concerning our situation - things are bad so we must have missed something or done something wrong or didn't prepare sufficiently.  I don't think things are that cut-and-dry.  Sometimes we can do everything "right" and it still turns out badly in our human eyes.  The events over the last year have really changed by perspective.  We live in a fallen world and bad stuff happens everyday, all the time.  God is with us.  Truth is absolute; my understanding of Truth is not.  I see dimly.  


I'm also haunted by the words of a great friend who said his son, similar to ours but 25 years ago, never came around.  His son opted to live in defiance.  My friend is broken still today.  I don't want to be him - I don't want that story.  That scares me.  But God showed me something - it took 4 months to really understand fully before the lightbulb finally went off.  Of all my friends who love the Lord and are walking with Him, there is one friend in particular whom I would say I look to, honor, and respect the most.  He's a true spiritual giant in the land.  He's gained great wisdom over the years, and he's finishing strong now in his 70's.  He doesn't have a mega-ministry, a radio show, or some great following.  But it is this friend that I look at his relationship with his wife and how he cherishes her - I want that.  It is this friend that I turn to for wisdom - he has a ton of it, but says he has none.  It is this friend whom I respect his understanding of spiritual warfare the most.  It is this friend who has the prodigal son whom he's still waiting to come home and his heart still aches.  And it is this friend whom I envy the most with his relationship with the Lord.  He knows God, and God showed me why - my friend became a friend of God through embracing his trials that he endured throughout his life.  He lived through the heartbreak of having a son who never really came around.  He gained God's perspective of how He sees us - He loves us all,  we're His sons and His daughters, but some of us just never come around.  My friend is continually telling me, "Don't focus on circumstances, focus on what He is doing in and through you through circumstances."  I get it.

This walk is supposed to be about deepening a relationship with Him.  Sometimes relationships hurt.  I asked to become a friend of God.  He is faithful.  We are so new in this process of adoption and we still have hope of things coming around.  A breakthrough came this week - my fears and the cloud with it has been lifted.  No matter the outcomes of trials in life and how it doesn't look like what we expected, He loves me and will continue to teach me to trust in His love throughout this journey!

Lessons From the Trenches: Nothing is Wasted in Him

In the midst of the trials of adoptive parenting, God has been revealing little nuggets of truth along the way.  I write mostly for my own benefit, but if someone else can glean something from my babble, then by all means read.  Here is the first of what I hope to be a number of installments about what I've learned in the beginning stages of this journey.


Exodus 32 says that the Israelites came before Aaron and said, "Come, make us gods that shall go before us."  They didn't know what "came of Moses," so instead of waiting, they decided it would be best to make their own god.  The story goes on as they melted their gold and fashioned a golden calf to worship.  Interesting to note here - there desire was for a god to go before them, but they were tired of waiting on Moses, whom was talking to the one true God.  The story continues with Moses returning and God quite angry with what has come of His people.  Moses returns, asks who is on the Lord's side, and says, "Thus says the Lord God of Israel: ‘Let every man put his sword on his side, and go in and out from entrance to entrance throughout the camp, and let every man kill his brother, every man his companion, and every man his neighbor.’”  So the sons of Levi did according to the word of Moses. And about three thousand men of the people fell that day.  Then Moses said, “Consecrate yourselves today to the Lord, that He may bestow on you a blessing this day, for every man has opposed his son and his brother.”


Fast forward several thousand years.  Acts 2 it says three thousand were added to their number on that day of Pentecost.  They waited around after Jesus had left.  They persevered in waiting.  Jesus had promised a helper to go before them (and us) - the Holy Spirit.  Another thing that caught my eye in this passage in Exodus - Moses' instructions were to "go in and out from entrance to entrance throughout the camp" and to kill his 'brother.'  The 'going' throughout the camp, that's what it takes to bind the strong man.  Jesus mentioned cleaning the house.  We must clean the house first - so many falsified structures built on lies in these children.  So many false beliefs.  Jesus said something about following him at the expense of natural family members.  Full devotion.  All in.  This is a FULL-TIME job, requiring full devotion and no care to who is looking at you and what they think.


What does all this mean?  Not exactly sure.  The Israelites had an honest hearts desire - a desire for a god to go before them.  They just went ahead of God in striving in their flesh to make this god.  It isn't too far off from their desire for a king.  Jesus was the coming King.  The Israelites wanted a king, but they couldn't wait so they got Saul.  Maybe 3,000 perished in Exodus 32, but not in vain.  But maybe it was just merely punishment and God redeemed it thousands of years later.  I'm certainly not diminishing God's holiness or any such notion condoning the behavior of Aaron and the people making an idol.  But I am pondering this same notion of His ways are certainly not our ways.  Sometimes things happen that are much bigger than our lifetime.  It is hard to get that perspective of eternity, especially while in the trenches.  But also, too, what if we didn't look at the Israelites as a group of morons making their own god out of metal, but acting on a misguided hearts desire for something that was indeed Godly?  Maybe their heart desired the right thing, but in execution it failed miserably?  Or maybe they had a desire in their heart, but had expectation of their own desired outcome and missed out.  They just didn't wait and endure.  Reminds me of a blog entry a few years ago I posted about Peter -  Peter fell asleep 3 times while failing to wait and keep watch, later denying Christ 3 times.  Could that be applied to us?  Maybe in our parenting?  Maybe our children deserve more grace - their defiance may in fact be in a hearts desire to do something good....but just comes out really, really wrong.  Maybe things that we've instituted as discipline that makes them seemingly miserable is just days away from a breakthrough, if we're willing to patiently wait.  Discipline is an expression of love...we know that all too well these days...

My wife read me something this morning that equated parenting to putting a jigsaw puzzle together.  But with these children, the puzzle doesn't come with the border pieces, somehow about 15 pieces from another puzzle was thrown in, and we lost 10 of the original pieces.  And as you try to piece things together, you realize the box was left out in the rain and the picture is unrecognizable.  In the midst of the battle, it is hard to see the destination when you can't see a picture of what redemption looks like.  I guess that's what faith is all about.  That's where the Israelites failed.  That's one of the most trying parts of this adoptive parenting stuff - where are we going?  What does the destiny of redemption even look like?

How many times have I had a true desire for something, only to sabotage the initiative by not waiting?  Or maybe as it relates to our situation, I can't dictate the outcome, but God may be using this to do a work in me.  No matter the outcome - good or bad - what is He doing in me?  I don't want to miss out, being too overly focused on the outcome I'm not getting and how uncomfortable and fruitless this process seems to be.  Thankfully, God is in the business of redemption!

Reflections on the last 365 days...

June 30, 2011 marked the beginning of an incredibly wild and crazy year.  I learned a lot about myself, this world, my friends, this world's issues, my identity in Him, who I am as a father, who He is as a Father, pain, disappointment, pain, frustration, and more pain.

June 30, 2011 was the day that we brought home a wonderful girl from Latvia for 5 weeks.  For 5 weeks we welcomed her into our home, and she became a part of us.  We learned what it meant to live each day to the fullest - we didn't know what would happen at the end of 5 weeks.  We enjoyed the time we had together.

August 4th she went home.  The most agonizing pain I had felt in a long time...maybe ever.  I sent my daughter home on a plane across the pond.  Or was she my daughter?  Watching each of my children agonize over the loss of their sister was gut wrenching.

The next few weeks entailed whatever leg work I could do to set something into motion to make us a "forever-family."  I was told I was crazy for having too many children, and "what is wrong with you?"  And this was by supposed Christian organizations...but we've been down this road before.  After exhausting all avenues and coming to a deadend on multiple fronts, a process that took months with roadblock after roadblock, it looked like we'd wait for hosting in the Winter.

October 31st, we left under falling snow in Maryland to head for Ethiopia.  Our trip was filled with excitement and awe - international travel coupled with the joy of meeting our new son.  The highlight of the trip was definitely meeting our new son, but seeing Ethiopia,  the countryside, our sponsored children, and the people we met along the way was invaluable.  My friend Fikre, whom I met there on that trip, I yearn to return and just spend time with him.  I could listen to the stories of his travels and his work with the children all day long.  I made a friend for life.

Another interesting thing to note in that time period - as my wife's great grandmother passed away, she had a caretaker whom we met during her last days.  She was from Ethiopia.  The shortened story - she coordinated us getting together with her brother and his family while in our stay in Ethiopia.  Him and his family are so special - they made a feast, helped us around town with shopping, took us to lunch, showed such great hospitality - special people!  God was in the midst, taking care of us.


As soon as our trip came to a close, we were confronted with the harsh reality of Winter Hosting fast approaching, and no money for hosting or our return trip months later to Ethiopia.  I remember being in Ethiopia with my wife, discussing this issue, and concluding, "God, you're going to have to make money fall out of the sky or something, because we just don't have it!"  Within a week of our return, people from all different travels of our journey came forward and fulfilled the remainder of the hosting!  God was in the midst, taking care of us once again.


This winter hosting would be different.  We were uncertain of our travel to Ethiopia - we thought we might have to travel during hosting!  But then with drama unfolding with the U.S. Embassy, it was uncertain as to whether we'd get our son's visa and when.  Falsified testimonies, funny dates, pressure of witnesses, no-shows of witnesses was adding to the drama surrounding many people's cases in Ethiopia.  We seemed to be no different.  With all that swirling around, we were informed that no progress would be made in adoption in Latvia unless we hosted the older sister, too.  Hey, what's another child in the mix, right?  We'd welcome the sister, too!


Through that month of December, we reached our capacity.  Or so we thought.  Without getting into airing dirty laundry, it was an incredibly trying month where we saw not only what was unfolding in our home, but what was in our hearts regarding our situation.  The pressure of events in Ethiopia, coupled with one and sometimes two children not wanting to be with us made things very difficult.  We made the best of it, although it was obvious to us that not all members of the party wanted to be here.  We endured.  We loved as best we could.  We saw our own flaws and shortcomings.  We also saw the death of what was in the Summer, and grieved the loss of what we thought would be our future...

Here is a post from that time period - Me and God.


By Mid-January, they returned home.  I put together some things for folks in authority to influence the situation.  It was in a sense our last "fight".  I can't expound on much, but more heart-wrenching decisions and work involved to fight for a hoped-for daughter.  More waiting...

Our focus returned to Ethiopia in another fight to bring our son home.  Our case was forwarded to Kenya for further review.  The details of our case were deemed to be not exhaustive enough.  We hired an attorney.  More money...more money we didn't have.  More waiting...

We headed to Ethiopia at the end of February.  We reunited with Fikre, visited our sponsored children, met new folks along the way, and picked up our son.  And from that day, our lives have not been the same since!

Roughly four months have passed.  In that time, we were told "No" by our host child from Latvia.  Maybe that's part of a "plan" because we couldn't handle more?  Maybe we just live in a fallen world and bad things happen...I don't know.  I don't need to know anymore.  I could piece together details that would make it "look" like things were falling into place.  They didn't.  It took almost 8 months to finally hear a definitive "No."  Heartbreaking.  Maybe that is a "Final" no, maybe a "No for now."  Time will tell.  And as for our son, the stories are seemingly endless of heartache, struggle, frustration, and pain.  For the sake of privacy for our son, I'll just say this - we were surprised with a special needs adoption.  It has taken every ounce of my being.  We are in a spiritual battle each day.  So many specialists, so much time, so much energy, so much money...and it has been a lonely road.  It has been eye-opening in so many ways.


We are also recognizing our limits.  Through careful thought, prayer, and conversation, we are essentially leaving the ranks of homeschooling.  That was part of our 'identity' as a family - we were a homeschooling family.  That was really tough to let go - never realized how much that had become a part of us until we decided to hang it up.

I've learned, "How are you doing?" is such a loaded question.  Most people ask that as a courtesy, but they really don't want to hear the real answer.  The real answer?  Life kind of stinks right now.  People don't like to hear about "icky."  I don't like "icky."  I'm exhausted and worn out from the "icky."  I'm broke.  In debt actually.  The typical Christian cliches don't work.  I don't want to hear, "It's all in God's timing," or "That's all part of His plan," or some other 'pat' answer that is supposed to provide some solace in a situation.  Does that really help anyone?  Doesn't for me at least.  But what am I doing for others?  I can't really be there for anyone else at this point.  The tank is on E.  I'm spent.

The words of Jim Palmer haunt me weekly - do I want to know this God?  I am acquainted with pain - more pain than I care to deal with, really.  Would I trade it?  No.  The last year He has revealed to me who I am and what lies I still believe about myself.  He has shown me so many things through this time.  And this ounce of pain in the world that I've become acquainted with so well is such a minute portion of pain that God sees every day throughout this world.  And people endure much greater and more difficult trials than us.  I'm not looking for pity.  I'm not looking for money.  I'm not looking for a trophy.  I hope people can open their eyes.  I'm shocked at how good I was at insulating myself from this hurting world and building a theology around that insulation process, and touting "victory" from my cave.  I'm finding it hard to not harden my heart.  I wonder what we are all doing, just content to go to work, pay the bills, attend church, and maintain the status quo.  For what?  Often times I feel like Solomon in a way - it's vanity, it's vanity, it's all vanity...

Me and God

We asked for God to break our hearts with the things that break His. He's doing it. We are learning so much about Him and how He views us. It's so heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. It hurts.

There have been several things that have reasonated in my spirit this week:

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -Thomas Edison

"The most prickly of children is often the one that needs the affection the most" -Jenn's friend

I've posted below from Divine Nobodies by Jim Palmer. I posted this before, but I was re-reading it this week. God lead me to it and I think it is so applicable to where I am at. As I read, I realized, I'm sitting in 13D. Do I really want to go here with God?

Read below:

"From Nashville, we covered 8,792 miles to get there, and soon after arriving I was plunged into an evil I hoped existed only in nightmares. I would have long since conveniently buried this experience beneath a mountain of rationalizations if I hadn't looked deep into the vacant eyes of a twelve-year-old sex slave and vowed never to forget. Her expression cannot be purged from memory, and sometimes my mind plays tricks by imposing her face on some little girl I see walking in the mall or playing in the park. Returning to my past world of ignorance would relieve my grief, but it's impossible to go back.

He goes on to depict some graphic and horrific details that I won't put here. He goes on to give details of his mission with the International Justice Mission, a group which deploys operatives around the globe to rescue victims of horrific human rights crimes, usually involving children. He goes on, talking about being confronted with the realities of this world being right in front of him, and no longer buried in the obscure sections in the back of the newspaper. He goes on:

My worldview was turned upside down in the length of time it took to walk past the line of little girls waiting outside a clinic to receive treatment for AIDS and every sexually transmitted disease imaginable. I couldn't get back on the plane to Nashville quick enough.

I've done my share of globe-hopping, traveling to parts of the world most wouldn't be too interested to vacation in. One has a lot of time to kill on those long international flights, especially if you're like me and can't sleep well on planes. Flying home from South Asia, my books were stuffed in the bottom of my duffel bag, lost somewhere in the abyss of the overhead compartment. I decided I didn't want to risk waking up the kid next to me, who had finally stopped crying and gone to sleep. I had read every newspaper, was not interested in purchasing a thingamabob from the Sky Mall magazine, and had already seen Father of the Bride twice. So I sat and I thought...

Have you ever stopped to wonder, Where was God today? Yes, I know God is 'omnipresent,' but I mean specifically, where was God today? Where did he go? What did he see? How did he feel? I began imagining God present at that miraculous moment a precious life was born into the world, the joy and marvel of the newborn bearing God's image and uniquely fashioned by his hands. Taking in the beauty of a brilliant blazing sun slowly descending behind endless ocean waves, I have felt the company of the Creator amid the splendor of his handiwork. Jogging a woodland trail one autumn morning I passed an aged couple leisurely strolling in conversation hand in hand. God must have been there smiling as these soul mates shared a ripe and tender love, a gift from God, who is himself named Love. These simple but magnificent miracles inspire love and adoration for God deep within and draw me to him.

Somewhere over the Atlantic, forty thousand feet about the earth, these nice thoughts about God gave way to disturbing images I wish I could forget from my trip. Now the question, where was God today? tortured me. Today a ten-year-old girl is being strapped down tight to a bed and brutally and repeatedly raped. God is present. Today an eight-year-old emaciated boy is covered with a cardboard box and left to die. Slowly he slips into unconsciousness. God is present. Today a young mom of three wails in bed as her skeletal body writhes with the unrelenting agony of AIDS. God is present. Still, I grew angry. Why was God pushing these horrors in my face? I was emotionally spent and wanted to go home to myworld. God could have that world; that was his deal; he's God; I didn't live in that world.

Or did I?

Sitting in 13D, I uncovered something unsettling about myself. I don't really want a 'relationship' with God. Here's what I want. I want to share with God all I feel, all I need, all that grieves me, all that makes me happy, the puzzling things, the fun things, and the hard things, but I would prefer that God keep his stuff to himself. I don't want to hear about his pain and share in his grief. I don't mind listening to God as long as I'm receiving solutions, answers, and advice. Maybe what I really want is a divine vending machine: pop in my prayer, press the button for my need, and I'm good to go. A professional live-in massage therapist and a Starbucks within walking distance would be nice too.

Any relationship involves two people, you and the other. It seems that in a 'relationship' with God, we would desire to listen to the Other to learn what the Other is really like. But how is this possible without going through the adventure of each day with the Other? Can we personally and intimately know someone without sharing experiences, and doing things together--little things as well as big things, and taking the risks of love together? Wouldn't we want to learn how to love those whom the Other loves, to see them through his eyes? We would want to rest and celebrate together, to share beautiful things, to laugh together. But wouldn't we also want to enter into the pain and grief the Other feels when pain, injustice, and cruelty are inflicted upon those he loves? In every abusive home where a child cries in fear and pain, and in every city street where a homeless person shivers under newspapers on the pavement, the living Christ is there. Whether it's across town or on the other side of the globe, suffering people surround us. Maybe 'carrying Jesus' cross' is our free choice to become compassionately involved with him in the pain of others and be partners with God in bringing healing and transformation.

Just a small glimpse into God's world was enough for me. It's staggering to consider the intensity of anger and anguish I felt witnessing just a few injustices compared to what God must feel being personally and fully present to countless such heinous horrors 24/7. You'd have to be comatose not to feel God's hurt and anger ooze from the pages of Scripture over the oppression of the weak and vulnerable. Even after all my sophisticated exegesis of the Old Testament prophets and words of Jesus, I can't seem to get away from the fact that the main message of God to his people about injustice is to get off our rear ends and do something! This goes way deeper than feeling guilty about doing more; I'm trying to figure our how I got to the place where the things that break the heart of God are so marginal to mine.

I'm starting to wonder if I can even have a 'relationship' with God this way, and I'm left with the question of how much I really want to know God. There's no having it both ways. Whether I like it or not, the God who dances over the breathtaking sunrise weeps over each victim of brutality.

Any relationship runs the risk of drifting apart over time. Take boy meets girl. In the hunting phase (or 'dating' phase), guys become mysteriously and happily engaged in virtually everything the woman has interest in, including endless browsing at Pier 1 and watching Brad Pitt movies. We become brainwashed in love. College football, working out, and playing golf are easily sacrificed on the altar of love. They get married, and five years later, she's at the mall with a friend, and he's at home TiVo-ing the big game and watching Terminator 5 while running on the treadmill. They have grown apart due to their separate interests. When I started off with Jesus, I wanted to know everything about him. I would have gone anywhere and done anything at any cost. As the years rolled on, somehow I became less interested in him and more interested in me. More specifically, what he could do for me. Rather than a relationship, my Christianity morphed into some sort of divine self-help philosophy, problem-solving plan, and life-improvement strategy.

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I had a few moments alone with Varsha on a bench in the outdoor courtyard of the recovery ranch where she now lives. We sat and talked. I learned that being saved from the brothel was just the first step on her long and difficult road to freedom. It was going to take a lifetime to recover from the physical, emotional, and spiritual damage she had experienced. She knows one thing: this Jesus must be worth knowing if his followers risk their lives to rescue nobodies like her. Reaching into a brown paper bag, she bashfully pulled out a braided leather necklace and presented it to me. She made it herself. Part of the healing process had been her discovering a talent for making jewelry and dresses, which she sold at the market.

It was time for her to go; she had an appointment at the AIDS clinic in the city and an afternoon counseling session. I felt awkward and didn't know what to say. Wanting to hug her, I had become timid myself. Time was ticking, and so I clumsily asked, 'Do you mind if I give you a hug good-bye?' As we embraced, I closed my eyes. This was a holy moment. In my arms was a precious and priceless daughter of God. One million new girls every year around the world are forced into child prositution. Can someone like me or you really make any difference in such a massive sea of hurting people? It may not seem like much, but in moments like this, the ability to impact one life means a lot. God knows this one by name, and now she is free.

Sometimes what happens in our world is absolute evil, unimaginable chaos, and a stunning reversal of God's intent for creation. When my heart is broken open by suffering, especially suffering caused by human selfishness and cruelty, I meet a more complex God than I would prefer. Sometimes he is an uncomforting God who does not provide easy, consoling answers to my pleading question, Why? At other times he is a discomforting God, and his grief is simultaneously a cry for justice that enters creation like a mighty storm, rousing God's people from their sleep. While we wait in the darkness and ask God, 'Why did you let this happen?' God hurls the question back to us: "Wake up, people, to what is happening. Why do you let this happen in the world I gave you?'

Whenever people are victims of injustice, God desires intervention. Some people in our world suffer from lack of food, water, shelter, or medical care. I'm beginning to see there's a whole other category of suffering in the world, namely, oppression. It's a crime of opportunity when powerful people exploit the weak and vulnerable by taking what they have or forcing them to do what they otherwise wouldn't. This grieves and angers God, and we reflect his image in us when we refuse to tolerate it. This God is both powerful and vulnerable in ways that are consistent with relationship and with life. He cares deeply about the well-being of every person in every community. He is passionate about wholeness and peace. He also hardwired humanity with free will. With that will, people commit injustice and believers ignore it. To live faithfully in relationship with God requires facing the whole truth of our world, looking honestly at our part in it, and being true to our identity as sons and daughters of God in the midst of it. This discomforting God forces us to face reality and mobilizes us to do something about it.

Whether it's across the ocean or across town, it's never been about the number of people I can help relative to the size of the need. It's about relationship. With God. With one another. This one young girl in the middle of nowhere matters to him, and as we embrace, I feel she's starting to matter to me. We say our good-byes; she goes her way, and I go mine. Almost nine thousand miles is a long way to travel, but I think the distance between God and me is shrinking."

2 prickly kids in "overalls" showed up at my door this week. Where was God when they were orphanned? Where was God along the way to today? And today...where was He today? God is here and has been there all along the way. He's here today. He wants me right here with Him. He desires love, justice, and mercy. I think that is what is the hardest - I'm not particularly fond of my responses to my discomfort, anger, and offense in the midst of all this. These kids matter to Him, even though I'm ready to throw in the towel. No matter the outcome, maybe we'll see the distance between "God and me is shrinking"...it already is...

The Prodigal and Parenting

Then He said: A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living. But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.
“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.”’
“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
“But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.
“Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’
“But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’
“And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’” Luke 15:11-32 NKJV

I have written about this little passage quite a bit as of late (see 'Freedom to Fail'). There is another lesson here - how am I as a parent? Am I giving the freedom to fail? Or am I trying to remain in control?

I've thought a lot about this as of late. We were out eating pizza for lunch recently when a man approached our table and asked, "Are all these related to you?" We get this a lot, having 7 children. Most people look at us like you would a car accident or some sort of freak show. I responded with a "yes" and we exchanged a few words and went on eating. I didn't think much of the exchange. Later, though, as I was checking out at the register, the man approached me again. He told me he was a retired child psychologist, and was analyzing the exchanges of our children during lunch. Yikes! He asked, "So how do you do it? I can see a genuine love with how you, your wife, and your children interact and interrelate with one another." I responded by saving that we have a genuine love for our children, which he responded with, "Is 'Just Love' some organization you work with or what? I realize I've dealt with deviant behavior in children for most of my career, but I want to share your story - so how do you do it?" After being pressed again, I said that we love the Lord and we rely on Him. He replied, "That's nice and all - a lot of people say 'I believe in Jesus' but are just as screwed up as everyone else...you're different...what's different?" "Learning to live a relaxed live in the love of my Father," I told him. Then I joked with him that he could come tomorrow and one of our children could be standing on the tables or yelling or who knows...difference is - we try to see what we need to learn from every situation. We're long past being embarrassed by our children's behavior in public, and therefore don't feel compelled to control them - they behave because they love us, not because we demand it. We ended up talking for about 20 minutes about parenting and our relationship with the Lord. I don't know where he stood with all of it, but he wanted to interview us and make us a feature of some psych journal or magazine in which he contributes. It was an interesting exchange - I was blessed and encouraged, but it challenged me, too. I told him I'd think on the interview...not sure I want my life unveiled quite like that...this on the heals of a social worker visit for the adoption...but maybe we should? I don't know...I feel as though we're not all that worthy of the attention...but anyway...

So what am I doing as a parent?

After reading the passage above again, and this recent exchange, I had to ask myself - am I giving my children the freedom to fail? Good behavior is nice - that gets noticed...but good behavior can come at the expense of learning from failure. Is my children's sin more of a problem because of how it reflects on me as a parent, or because of their well-being? I understand we have to draw the line at times - I'm not going to give the keys to the ATV to my 4 year old, or allow my 12 year old to date. But do I give my children the freedom to fail? Would I look back at the life of a prodigal child and say it is all worthwhile if they come back? Or would I condemn them for not living the way I had raised them and didn't do things the way I would have? Having a teenager in the house is making for some interesting times. Can I see the redemptive in failures and "train them up in the way they should go?"