Through the Eyes of a Child

It's 4am on Day 2 of our second trip to Ethiopia and I am inexplicably awake. I feel compelled to write a few things down, although I am incredibly exhausted and probably incoherent at this point.
Day one started by arriving at the orphanage where Tariku was staying. What an unforgettable day! This was the moment we had been eagerly anticipating for 2 and a half years. We sat and chatted for a short while, watching the nannies caring for the other children. Even the guards were holding babies! We played with some of the other children whom friends are adopting.
I couldn't help but wonder, though, what was going through our little boy's head. He's old enough to know the drill - he's seen enough children leave that I think he knew what was going gone. He wouldn't let us put him down. As we were preparing to leave, I put him down so I could get up out of the chair I was seated in. He put all his weight into my legs, backing up into me and pinning me against the chair, as if to say, "Don't you dare leave me here!"
We returned to what we're calling home for the week. The remainder of the day was filled with visits from friends, warm greetings from folks we've met in our travels and some new folks, too. In the midst of it all, I developed a new shadow.
As I sit here writing at an hour I'd much rather be sleeping, I'm watching this little guy sleep. I can't help but wonder, "What is going through that little head?" In the last 24 hours, he's been taken by 4 strangers to a strange place with a strange bed. A new place, the 4th place in the last year, to call home. He seems so trusting, and so at peace.
We had a moment during the day that stuck out. In a matter of less than 2 minutes, our little guy tried to jump off a 10 foot ledge, threw a ball at a car, then when retrieving the ball he quickly tried to get into the car, then tried to escape out the gate, then found a wad of gum on the wall and tried to eat it. Every time I told him not to do something, he listened, but he is most definitely testing the limits and boundaries. He's in a sense learning the "law" of the family. Other moments, he's reaching out his arms to be picked up and saying "Papa" - that's enough to make me melt! He's being 'grafted' in, just as Romans points out we are being grafted in through Christ.

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

God was showing me this is what He did for us and still does with us. Those who had great faith in the old testament were those who believed in the coming Messiah and love for God. The law was given for our good, not as a measure to strive in the flesh, to attain and boast in as our own works, or as evidence of love for Him. I'm seeing maybe I should have a greater love of the law...not to live under it, but just understand it more in order to know more about my Father in heaven.

Me and God

We asked for God to break our hearts with the things that break His. He's doing it. We are learning so much about Him and how He views us. It's so heart-breaking and gut-wrenching. It hurts.

There have been several things that have reasonated in my spirit this week:

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work." -Thomas Edison

"The most prickly of children is often the one that needs the affection the most" -Jenn's friend

I've posted below from Divine Nobodies by Jim Palmer. I posted this before, but I was re-reading it this week. God lead me to it and I think it is so applicable to where I am at. As I read, I realized, I'm sitting in 13D. Do I really want to go here with God?

Read below:

"From Nashville, we covered 8,792 miles to get there, and soon after arriving I was plunged into an evil I hoped existed only in nightmares. I would have long since conveniently buried this experience beneath a mountain of rationalizations if I hadn't looked deep into the vacant eyes of a twelve-year-old sex slave and vowed never to forget. Her expression cannot be purged from memory, and sometimes my mind plays tricks by imposing her face on some little girl I see walking in the mall or playing in the park. Returning to my past world of ignorance would relieve my grief, but it's impossible to go back.

He goes on to depict some graphic and horrific details that I won't put here. He goes on to give details of his mission with the International Justice Mission, a group which deploys operatives around the globe to rescue victims of horrific human rights crimes, usually involving children. He goes on, talking about being confronted with the realities of this world being right in front of him, and no longer buried in the obscure sections in the back of the newspaper. He goes on:

My worldview was turned upside down in the length of time it took to walk past the line of little girls waiting outside a clinic to receive treatment for AIDS and every sexually transmitted disease imaginable. I couldn't get back on the plane to Nashville quick enough.

I've done my share of globe-hopping, traveling to parts of the world most wouldn't be too interested to vacation in. One has a lot of time to kill on those long international flights, especially if you're like me and can't sleep well on planes. Flying home from South Asia, my books were stuffed in the bottom of my duffel bag, lost somewhere in the abyss of the overhead compartment. I decided I didn't want to risk waking up the kid next to me, who had finally stopped crying and gone to sleep. I had read every newspaper, was not interested in purchasing a thingamabob from the Sky Mall magazine, and had already seen Father of the Bride twice. So I sat and I thought...

Have you ever stopped to wonder, Where was God today? Yes, I know God is 'omnipresent,' but I mean specifically, where was God today? Where did he go? What did he see? How did he feel? I began imagining God present at that miraculous moment a precious life was born into the world, the joy and marvel of the newborn bearing God's image and uniquely fashioned by his hands. Taking in the beauty of a brilliant blazing sun slowly descending behind endless ocean waves, I have felt the company of the Creator amid the splendor of his handiwork. Jogging a woodland trail one autumn morning I passed an aged couple leisurely strolling in conversation hand in hand. God must have been there smiling as these soul mates shared a ripe and tender love, a gift from God, who is himself named Love. These simple but magnificent miracles inspire love and adoration for God deep within and draw me to him.

Somewhere over the Atlantic, forty thousand feet about the earth, these nice thoughts about God gave way to disturbing images I wish I could forget from my trip. Now the question, where was God today? tortured me. Today a ten-year-old girl is being strapped down tight to a bed and brutally and repeatedly raped. God is present. Today an eight-year-old emaciated boy is covered with a cardboard box and left to die. Slowly he slips into unconsciousness. God is present. Today a young mom of three wails in bed as her skeletal body writhes with the unrelenting agony of AIDS. God is present. Still, I grew angry. Why was God pushing these horrors in my face? I was emotionally spent and wanted to go home to myworld. God could have that world; that was his deal; he's God; I didn't live in that world.

Or did I?

Sitting in 13D, I uncovered something unsettling about myself. I don't really want a 'relationship' with God. Here's what I want. I want to share with God all I feel, all I need, all that grieves me, all that makes me happy, the puzzling things, the fun things, and the hard things, but I would prefer that God keep his stuff to himself. I don't want to hear about his pain and share in his grief. I don't mind listening to God as long as I'm receiving solutions, answers, and advice. Maybe what I really want is a divine vending machine: pop in my prayer, press the button for my need, and I'm good to go. A professional live-in massage therapist and a Starbucks within walking distance would be nice too.

Any relationship involves two people, you and the other. It seems that in a 'relationship' with God, we would desire to listen to the Other to learn what the Other is really like. But how is this possible without going through the adventure of each day with the Other? Can we personally and intimately know someone without sharing experiences, and doing things together--little things as well as big things, and taking the risks of love together? Wouldn't we want to learn how to love those whom the Other loves, to see them through his eyes? We would want to rest and celebrate together, to share beautiful things, to laugh together. But wouldn't we also want to enter into the pain and grief the Other feels when pain, injustice, and cruelty are inflicted upon those he loves? In every abusive home where a child cries in fear and pain, and in every city street where a homeless person shivers under newspapers on the pavement, the living Christ is there. Whether it's across town or on the other side of the globe, suffering people surround us. Maybe 'carrying Jesus' cross' is our free choice to become compassionately involved with him in the pain of others and be partners with God in bringing healing and transformation.

Just a small glimpse into God's world was enough for me. It's staggering to consider the intensity of anger and anguish I felt witnessing just a few injustices compared to what God must feel being personally and fully present to countless such heinous horrors 24/7. You'd have to be comatose not to feel God's hurt and anger ooze from the pages of Scripture over the oppression of the weak and vulnerable. Even after all my sophisticated exegesis of the Old Testament prophets and words of Jesus, I can't seem to get away from the fact that the main message of God to his people about injustice is to get off our rear ends and do something! This goes way deeper than feeling guilty about doing more; I'm trying to figure our how I got to the place where the things that break the heart of God are so marginal to mine.

I'm starting to wonder if I can even have a 'relationship' with God this way, and I'm left with the question of how much I really want to know God. There's no having it both ways. Whether I like it or not, the God who dances over the breathtaking sunrise weeps over each victim of brutality.

Any relationship runs the risk of drifting apart over time. Take boy meets girl. In the hunting phase (or 'dating' phase), guys become mysteriously and happily engaged in virtually everything the woman has interest in, including endless browsing at Pier 1 and watching Brad Pitt movies. We become brainwashed in love. College football, working out, and playing golf are easily sacrificed on the altar of love. They get married, and five years later, she's at the mall with a friend, and he's at home TiVo-ing the big game and watching Terminator 5 while running on the treadmill. They have grown apart due to their separate interests. When I started off with Jesus, I wanted to know everything about him. I would have gone anywhere and done anything at any cost. As the years rolled on, somehow I became less interested in him and more interested in me. More specifically, what he could do for me. Rather than a relationship, my Christianity morphed into some sort of divine self-help philosophy, problem-solving plan, and life-improvement strategy.

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I had a few moments alone with Varsha on a bench in the outdoor courtyard of the recovery ranch where she now lives. We sat and talked. I learned that being saved from the brothel was just the first step on her long and difficult road to freedom. It was going to take a lifetime to recover from the physical, emotional, and spiritual damage she had experienced. She knows one thing: this Jesus must be worth knowing if his followers risk their lives to rescue nobodies like her. Reaching into a brown paper bag, she bashfully pulled out a braided leather necklace and presented it to me. She made it herself. Part of the healing process had been her discovering a talent for making jewelry and dresses, which she sold at the market.

It was time for her to go; she had an appointment at the AIDS clinic in the city and an afternoon counseling session. I felt awkward and didn't know what to say. Wanting to hug her, I had become timid myself. Time was ticking, and so I clumsily asked, 'Do you mind if I give you a hug good-bye?' As we embraced, I closed my eyes. This was a holy moment. In my arms was a precious and priceless daughter of God. One million new girls every year around the world are forced into child prositution. Can someone like me or you really make any difference in such a massive sea of hurting people? It may not seem like much, but in moments like this, the ability to impact one life means a lot. God knows this one by name, and now she is free.

Sometimes what happens in our world is absolute evil, unimaginable chaos, and a stunning reversal of God's intent for creation. When my heart is broken open by suffering, especially suffering caused by human selfishness and cruelty, I meet a more complex God than I would prefer. Sometimes he is an uncomforting God who does not provide easy, consoling answers to my pleading question, Why? At other times he is a discomforting God, and his grief is simultaneously a cry for justice that enters creation like a mighty storm, rousing God's people from their sleep. While we wait in the darkness and ask God, 'Why did you let this happen?' God hurls the question back to us: "Wake up, people, to what is happening. Why do you let this happen in the world I gave you?'

Whenever people are victims of injustice, God desires intervention. Some people in our world suffer from lack of food, water, shelter, or medical care. I'm beginning to see there's a whole other category of suffering in the world, namely, oppression. It's a crime of opportunity when powerful people exploit the weak and vulnerable by taking what they have or forcing them to do what they otherwise wouldn't. This grieves and angers God, and we reflect his image in us when we refuse to tolerate it. This God is both powerful and vulnerable in ways that are consistent with relationship and with life. He cares deeply about the well-being of every person in every community. He is passionate about wholeness and peace. He also hardwired humanity with free will. With that will, people commit injustice and believers ignore it. To live faithfully in relationship with God requires facing the whole truth of our world, looking honestly at our part in it, and being true to our identity as sons and daughters of God in the midst of it. This discomforting God forces us to face reality and mobilizes us to do something about it.

Whether it's across the ocean or across town, it's never been about the number of people I can help relative to the size of the need. It's about relationship. With God. With one another. This one young girl in the middle of nowhere matters to him, and as we embrace, I feel she's starting to matter to me. We say our good-byes; she goes her way, and I go mine. Almost nine thousand miles is a long way to travel, but I think the distance between God and me is shrinking."

2 prickly kids in "overalls" showed up at my door this week. Where was God when they were orphanned? Where was God along the way to today? And today...where was He today? God is here and has been there all along the way. He's here today. He wants me right here with Him. He desires love, justice, and mercy. I think that is what is the hardest - I'm not particularly fond of my responses to my discomfort, anger, and offense in the midst of all this. These kids matter to Him, even though I'm ready to throw in the towel. No matter the outcome, maybe we'll see the distance between "God and me is shrinking"...it already is...

Ethiopia: One Anothering

Our trip to Ethiopia made an impact on me in so many ways. One of the biggest things that struck me about the people in Ethiopia was that they seemed to have a genuine care for one another and really enjoyed each other.

Someone from Ethiopia said that we (Americans) measure a day by how much we get done, but in Ethiopia they measure a day by how many people they get to talk to and how many lives they touch. This was evident throughout our stay there. They understand the art of "one anothering". I realize there is a balance, but all too often we in America fall prey to the to-do list and forsake relating to one another.

I recently finished reading the book "Authentic Relationships, The Lost Art of One-Anothering" by Wayne Jacobsen. It is an absolute must-read in my opinion, but an Ethiopian would probably be completely befuddled as to why someone would write such books, especially in "Christiandom", about how to make time for relating to people. We in America have allowed productivity to eclipse relationship, and the church is sadly no different in many cases. Church is not a task, not an array of programs, not a meeting, nor a place. We are the church. A group of folks walking along side one another in a journey. This was just another opportunity along the journey for Him to show me more of what that looks like.

The first day, as our friends prepared a feast to celebrate our arrival, they invited the taxi driver to share the meal. He stayed and ate as if he was just another member of the family. We spent 2 days visiting some of our sponsored children with Children's HopeChest. During our travels with them, the driver was out along side us, spending time with the children as well. At one place, our child didn't speak Amharic but spoke some other dialect, but our driver was right there with us and able to translate for us!

We had an issue on what was supposed to be our last night. Our flight was canceled, but since we had a late checkout of 6pm, we opted to spend the day as planned and ask the hotel when we returned to just give us another night. But when we returned late that afternoon, we were told that the hotel was overbooked and we would need to get out. With news that we were to get out of the hotel in an hour, our new friend of just 24 hours took it upon himself to go out with the driver and find a place for us to stay. He told us, "Just relax, this is Ethiopia - there are plenty of places to stay." Those words burned in my ears - just relax? But that is what has been reiterated over, and over, and over to me in the last year - just relax. Relax into a life lived loved with our Father in heaven. Over the next hour, it was one of the finest examples of "carrying one anothers burdens" that I had ever experienced, as our friend tried finding us a place to stay.

God was showing me in such small ways how He orchestrates things and makes things work out. My wife and I noticed a woman on our flight headed to Africa wearing an adoption t-shirt on the flight - and lo and behold that woman and her husband just happen to be at the guest house we ended up at that final night. Or I met a woman at the money exchange counter at the airport, and we met again on the flight home. They may have simply been coincidence as it seemed nothing of great significance came as a result of these encounters, but what struck me was that even in the midst of the busy-ness of a city of 6 million people, He is at work orchestrating things if we just slow down enough to make time for one another and to see His hand at work in our lives.

He is amazing! In such a brief trip, it was overwhelming all the things He was showing us. The purpose was to meet our little guy we're adopting, but it was so much more. We enjoyed conversation. We made some new friends. We got to know those around us - I hope we can retain that back here in the states!

How long must I perservere in prayer?

How long must I perservere in prayer?

Given some personal circumstance, it has challenged me in what I believe. I need to have a stance which will reflect a strategy in the spirit for the days ahead. It is a question I have mulled over for quite some time. I've swung the pendulum far in both directions on this one - from God will do what He wants predestination fatalism to all-night prayer marathons in order to change God's mind. Neither are right. And I don't even know that those are the only 2 sides...

Recently the Lord pointed me to this scripture:

Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart, saying: “There was in a certain city a judge who did not fear God nor regard man. Now there was a widow in that city; and she came to him, saying, ‘Get justice for me from my adversary.’ And he would not for a while; but afterward he said within himself, ‘Though I do not fear God nor regard man, yet because this widow troubles me I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.’”
Then the Lord said, “Hear what the unjust judge said. And shall God not avenge His own elect who cry out day and night to Him, though He bears long with them? I tell you that He will avenge them speedily. Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?” (Luke 18:1-8)

This was reassuring - we have a righteous judge who will come speedily. But, what happens when it feels like He isn't coming quickly? We're in a situation where something is dragging on and on - how do I pray? I used to pray for what I wanted, or what seemed 'godly', and prayed until it came to pass. And if it didn't? That lead to being quite deflated, or worse. Often times I found myself offended with God. So now what?

I have been reading a book by Wayne Jacobsen called 'Naked Church.' Taken from the chapter entitled 'Clothed with Power', he addresses this very issue which really spoke to me:

God's power is released by his activity, not his ability. God can do anything. His power over creation is total and complete...Faith doesn't rest on what God can do but on what he is doing. Abraham was commended for his faith, not for the son he wanted, but for the son God had promised... (See Romans 4:21)
That's why intimacy is the link to God's power. Until we see what God is doing in a given situation, we have no basis to be confident about its outcome. Jesus himself lived that way: "I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does" (John 5:19). God wants us as well to know what he's doing, so we can cooperate with him.
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As long as you're convinced of God's desire, stay with the need...To learn perseverance, we must stop seeing our prayers as requisition forms laid on the desk of a supervisor...True prayer is the vehicle by which God brings his power into our circumstances...How long should you persevere? Until you are convinced that the outcome matches God's desire.
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Perseverance also means standing with peope if the hoped-for miracle doesn't arrive...

Perseverance is key. How long? As long as it takes. How long is that? Only the Father knows and will tell us through relationship and intimacy with Him. That's the part that's tough for me. Prayer must continue until His will is carried out - but first I must be in tune enough to know His will! And then doing this alongside others? That's an even higher level of perseverance! How often do we not see God's will come to fruition because we don't persevere? How often do we miss it because of offense?

Back to the grind...

Grafted In

Through the experience in recent weeks and preparation for our son to come home, we've been reading materials on adoption. So many things have struck me in how you "tie the strings" with an adoptive child that I took for granted with our biological children. But as I read about these things, I realized just how much it parallels our journey with our Heavenly Father.

We're "grafted in" as Romans 11 talks about. We're adopted into His family. I'm seeing more and more the choices I have made along the journey is what our adopted children will need to do with us. I came to know the Lord in my late teen years. I had 18 years of living apart from Him to draw some pretty ridiculous conclusions about this world and how it operates. It isn't reality in God's kingdom, but it is my reality because of conclusions I drew through experiences in this life. Paul says he saw "dimly." We do, too. Our adoptive children will be in that same boat - they will be our children, but will see dimly as to the reality of what it means to have us as their earthly father and mother. It will require months and months of training. It will require such simple things as mom and dad serving dinner on their plates so they understand where provision comes from. There are so many things that will need to be re-trained in them because they have been fending for themselves, groping in the darkness.

Likewise, I see dimly because of the garbage I hold on to from my past and won't reliquish control and trust my adoptive Heavenly Father. This life is to be a life of freedom - it is designed to be resting in the "getting to", not "having to" under the yoke of fear, religion, or obligation. This is why we see dimly - we operate under the bondage of our old ways. This is another strong parallel - as parents, drawing them out of the old patterns and mindsets of fending for themselves, or living life for themselves, or trying to earn acceptance through works, or whatever the case may be...it is no different for us who are being grafted in to His family.

I know it is a finished work at the cross, but this is still a process of understanding how we are defined in Him and learning to cooperate with Him. Satan's game has always been the "if" game - "if you do this, then..." God has already paid the price in full and given us this gift - the ultimate gift of grace and freedom - and it involves nothing but rest.

Trying Not to Waste Trials

Growing to trust God is the essence of true spirituality, and fortunately he understands how difficult it is for us to learn that. Jesus will teach you how to trust his Father with the same patience that he taught his own disciples. Two kinds of experiences will be important here. First are those times when God provides for you or uses you in ways that leave you overwhelmed with his greatness and goodness.

Second, he uses those situations in which you are challenged by need so great that you know you are powerless to resolve it yourself. Don't despise those moments or blame God for them. He doesn't create them. They simply result from a world out of synch with his desires that fall alike on the just and unjust. He will, however, use everything in your life, including your difficulties, to teach you how to trust Him more freely.

That's how Paul measured his troubles: "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even unto death...But this happened taht we might not rely on ourselves but on God...He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us." (2 Cor 1:8,9)

Taken from The Naked Church by Wayne Jacobsen pp.112-113

I read that today and it really spoke to me, so I thought I'd share. I don't want to let any trial go to waste - this is the stuff He uses to shape us. I finally see it...

"Don't despise those moments or blame God for them." I spent much of my life angry. Much of my relationship with God was rooted in anger toward circumstance. If things were going my way, I must be walking in the blessing and was pleased with Him. But if things took a turn and became hard, I became hardened. I'm sure that produced quite a testimony to those around me of peace, joy, and love...

So here we are today. We just came out of a time where God used us in ways that left us overwhelmed with His love for us and others. Now we find ourselves headed toward challenges so great that we are powerless. He is working all things together - it is fascinating to watch as He unfolds each day along the journey!

The Author and Finisher

"You're blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. Matt 5:8 MSG"

It has been an excruciatingly long 3 days since Oleysia departed. Many things have happened in those 3 days that have lead to some excitement, fear, and uncertainty with how this whole story is going to unfold.

God has been taking us back through the 2 year journey of adoption. I won't get ino everything here, as there are so many details that are probably only meaningful to us, but as we see the story unfold, we can see God's hand all over it. The most important revelation came to me this week concerning our present situation:

When we started over 2 years ago saying, "We want to adopt a sibling group from Ethiopia"... He was with us.

When we were told we had to put our adoption on hold because of pregnancy, and we were hurt because it was better for a child to languish in an orphanage than be with us and our newborn...He was with us.

When the paperwork needed to proceed with the adoption - the paperwork that if we had it at the time of pregancy they would have let us proceed - came just weeks after...He was with us.

When Jenn stumbled on New Horizons hosting program, and since we couldn't proceed with adoption at that time, we felt at least we could host...He was with us.

When Jenn had questions about different children on the waiting list for hosting, and hadn't heard from anyone at the hosting program, Jenn found a number on their website of a man who happened to have adopted from Oleysia's home and told us about Oleysia...He was with us.

When Oleysia was here, and we were all loving on another and cherishing the time together...He was with us.

He was showing us all this to help us see that He has been in the midst of it all. He showed me a picture 2 years ago of a game of bejeweled. It wasn't until recently that He gave me understanding of that picture - He is taking a mess of stuff and moving pieces around to bring things together and fall into place. Today I can see how he *could* make things fall rapidly into place and we could walk in favor that would be beyond imagination. I also see how we could get news that would hurt incredibly badly, and it would prolong the journey even more. And it isn't that I lack faith for the "beyond imagination" part - this is His story, not mine. He is the author and finisher of our faith. But He also lead us to Luke 17 - He is a righteous judge who will move swiftly...will He find faith in the earth? I think He's finding it here - I can honestly say I'm resting in Him, no matter the outcome...doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt...but He is with us.

We prayed several months ago that our heart would break over the things that break His heart. Today we sit, totally broken...but He is with us.

And now...our court date is slipping consistently for getting our little guy home from Ethiopia. Famine is ravishing the horn of Africa.

Oleysia must make some incredibly difficult and painful decisions, sacrificing something of her old life, or sacrificing what could be and is already here...some crazy stuff for a very young girl...but He is with her, and His is with us.

I'm excited, but also scared of what lies ahead...but I know He is with us.

He is with us.