The Prodigal and Parenting

Then He said: A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls to me.’ So he divided to them his livelihood. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living. But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.
“But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.”’
“And he arose and came to his father. But when he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’
“But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry.
“Now his older son was in the field. And as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing. So he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and because he has received him safe and sound, your father has killed the fatted calf.’
“But he was angry and would not go in. Therefore his father came out and pleaded with him. So he answered and said to his father, ‘Lo, these many years I have been serving you; I never transgressed your commandment at any time; and yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might make merry with my friends. But as soon as this son of yours came, who has devoured your livelihood with harlots, you killed the fatted calf for him.’
“And he said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. It was right that we should make merry and be glad, for your brother was dead and is alive again, and was lost and is found.’” Luke 15:11-32 NKJV

I have written about this little passage quite a bit as of late (see 'Freedom to Fail'). There is another lesson here - how am I as a parent? Am I giving the freedom to fail? Or am I trying to remain in control?

I've thought a lot about this as of late. We were out eating pizza for lunch recently when a man approached our table and asked, "Are all these related to you?" We get this a lot, having 7 children. Most people look at us like you would a car accident or some sort of freak show. I responded with a "yes" and we exchanged a few words and went on eating. I didn't think much of the exchange. Later, though, as I was checking out at the register, the man approached me again. He told me he was a retired child psychologist, and was analyzing the exchanges of our children during lunch. Yikes! He asked, "So how do you do it? I can see a genuine love with how you, your wife, and your children interact and interrelate with one another." I responded by saving that we have a genuine love for our children, which he responded with, "Is 'Just Love' some organization you work with or what? I realize I've dealt with deviant behavior in children for most of my career, but I want to share your story - so how do you do it?" After being pressed again, I said that we love the Lord and we rely on Him. He replied, "That's nice and all - a lot of people say 'I believe in Jesus' but are just as screwed up as everyone else...you're different...what's different?" "Learning to live a relaxed live in the love of my Father," I told him. Then I joked with him that he could come tomorrow and one of our children could be standing on the tables or yelling or who knows...difference is - we try to see what we need to learn from every situation. We're long past being embarrassed by our children's behavior in public, and therefore don't feel compelled to control them - they behave because they love us, not because we demand it. We ended up talking for about 20 minutes about parenting and our relationship with the Lord. I don't know where he stood with all of it, but he wanted to interview us and make us a feature of some psych journal or magazine in which he contributes. It was an interesting exchange - I was blessed and encouraged, but it challenged me, too. I told him I'd think on the interview...not sure I want my life unveiled quite like that...this on the heals of a social worker visit for the adoption...but maybe we should? I don't know...I feel as though we're not all that worthy of the attention...but anyway...

So what am I doing as a parent?

After reading the passage above again, and this recent exchange, I had to ask myself - am I giving my children the freedom to fail? Good behavior is nice - that gets noticed...but good behavior can come at the expense of learning from failure. Is my children's sin more of a problem because of how it reflects on me as a parent, or because of their well-being? I understand we have to draw the line at times - I'm not going to give the keys to the ATV to my 4 year old, or allow my 12 year old to date. But do I give my children the freedom to fail? Would I look back at the life of a prodigal child and say it is all worthwhile if they come back? Or would I condemn them for not living the way I had raised them and didn't do things the way I would have? Having a teenager in the house is making for some interesting times. Can I see the redemptive in failures and "train them up in the way they should go?"