It's Not About Me

We have questioned so many times why God called us to this particular work.  We know He did.  He orchestrated this.  But of all the people in the world, why us for this particular child?  We have, what we've been told by numerous professionals, a "hard one."

In our struggles, I have turned to my friend Jim for council, encouragement, friendship...and free therapy.  In one of our recent conversations, as I lamented about not being equipped for the latest round of trials with our son, Jim said, "You've prayed over time about so many things that you wanted the Lord to do - He's delivering.  He's putting you in that place now.  He's answering your prayers!"  We both chuckled.  He went on, "You know, maybe you asked to be become better at spiritual warfare.  Maybe you said you wanted to know Him more."  I interjected, "We asked that our hearts would break over what breaks His and that it wouldn't be about us."

Jim said, "Ha!  That's a death sentence!"  A death to flesh.

Fast-forward a handful of days.  I'm at the kitchen sink, no one else is home but the baby, my son, and me.  I'm attempting to tend to the dishes for about the hundredth time that morning.  I'm spent.  I have nothing left in the tank.  I feel lonely.  I'm wondering, "Will we ever go on a *real* vacation ever again where it doesn't feel more like work than a break?"  I hear from the other room, "Daddy?  Blup, blup, blup.  Daddy?  Blup, blup, blup, blup."  Ugh...more chatter.  "I'm not here, please leave a message," I thought to myself.  I continued on washing a few plates wondering, "Will we ever be empty-nesters?"  I was interrupted in my wanderings again as the volume increased to a level I just could no longer ignore, even in my unconscious state.  "Mommy bye-bye, June-Abby-June-Abby-June-Abby bye-bye.  Mommy, June, Mommy, June, Abby, June, Abby, blup blup blup."  Constant.  Back to wandering..."Will those dark circles subside under my eyes?  What about my wife's puffy eyes?  Will we always look like heroin addicts on botox?  This feeling of every nerve in my body being exposed - will that last forever?  Will I ever enjoy waking up ever again and facing a new day?"

Then again I hear, "Daddy? Daddy pee-pee."

"Wait."

"Ok."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy pee-pee."

"Wait."

"Ok."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy? Daddy pee-pee."

"Wait."

2 seconds pass.

"Daddy?  Daddy - wait."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy?  Daddy - wait."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy? Daddy pee-pee."

"Elijah, wait, ok?"

"Ok."

2 seconds pass.

"Daddy - wait."

5 seconds pass.

 "Daddy?  Daddy - wait."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy.  Daddy?  Daddy, jah, daddy, jah, daddy, jah....ok."

2 seconds pass.

"Daddy!  Mommy bye-bye.  Daddy? Dad?  Dad.  Dad!  Mommy, mommy, mommy bye-bye."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy?  Pee-pee.  Daddy?  Daddy?  Daddy - wait.  Wait!"

And so it goes...

See, here's the real story behind things like 'pee-pee'.  And there are so many stories behind everything here.  Nothing is as it seems.  'Pee-pee' is typically code word in a situation like this for "I'm bored and everyone has left the room.  I'm in need of attention.  Now!  I know I've only been sitting here for 30 seconds without attention, but that is 30 seconds too long."  And if you don't give that attention - BOOM!  Defiance.  At least negative attention is still attention, right?

I get the "why."  I do.  That doesn't necessarily help nor prevent the nerve grinding.

I'm spent.  Done.

Then I heard that "still, small voice" say, "Remember what Jim said - you'd prayed for...?  He's right - you said, it's not about you."

It's not about me.

I've said it, heard it preached, preached it myself, my wife even has the t-shirt!  Now I'm living it.  I don't really like it.  Funny how God answers our prayers...