June 30, 2011 marked the beginning of an incredibly wild and crazy year. I learned a lot about myself, this world, my friends, this world's issues, my identity in Him, who I am as a father, who He is as a Father, pain, disappointment, pain, frustration, and more pain.
June 30, 2011 was the day that we brought home a wonderful girl from Latvia for 5 weeks. For 5 weeks we welcomed her into our home, and she became a part of us. We learned what it meant to live each day to the fullest - we didn't know what would happen at the end of 5 weeks. We enjoyed the time we had together.
August 4th she went home. The most agonizing pain I had felt in a long time...maybe ever. I sent my daughter home on a plane across the pond. Or was she my daughter? Watching each of my children agonize over the loss of their sister was gut wrenching.
The next few weeks entailed whatever leg work I could do to set something into motion to make us a "forever-family." I was told I was crazy for having too many children, and "what is wrong with you?" And this was by supposed Christian organizations...but we've been down this road before. After exhausting all avenues and coming to a deadend on multiple fronts, a process that took months with roadblock after roadblock, it looked like we'd wait for hosting in the Winter.
October 31st, we left under falling snow in Maryland to head for Ethiopia. Our trip was filled with excitement and awe - international travel coupled with the joy of meeting our new son. The highlight of the trip was definitely meeting our new son, but seeing Ethiopia, the countryside, our sponsored children, and the people we met along the way was invaluable. My friend Fikre, whom I met there on that trip, I yearn to return and just spend time with him. I could listen to the stories of his travels and his work with the children all day long. I made a friend for life.
Another interesting thing to note in that time period - as my wife's great grandmother passed away, she had a caretaker whom we met during her last days. She was from Ethiopia. The shortened story - she coordinated us getting together with her brother and his family while in our stay in Ethiopia. Him and his family are so special - they made a feast, helped us around town with shopping, took us to lunch, showed such great hospitality - special people! God was in the midst, taking care of us.
As soon as our trip came to a close, we were confronted with the harsh reality of Winter Hosting fast approaching, and no money for hosting or our return trip months later to Ethiopia. I remember being in Ethiopia with my wife, discussing this issue, and concluding, "God, you're going to have to make money fall out of the sky or something, because we just don't have it!" Within a week of our return, people from all different travels of our journey came forward and fulfilled the remainder of the hosting! God was in the midst, taking care of us once again.
This winter hosting would be different. We were uncertain of our travel to Ethiopia - we thought we might have to travel during hosting! But then with drama unfolding with the U.S. Embassy, it was uncertain as to whether we'd get our son's visa and when. Falsified testimonies, funny dates, pressure of witnesses, no-shows of witnesses was adding to the drama surrounding many people's cases in Ethiopia. We seemed to be no different. With all that swirling around, we were informed that no progress would be made in adoption in Latvia unless we hosted the older sister, too. Hey, what's another child in the mix, right? We'd welcome the sister, too!
Through that month of December, we reached our capacity. Or so we thought. Without getting into airing dirty laundry, it was an incredibly trying month where we saw not only what was unfolding in our home, but what was in our hearts regarding our situation. The pressure of events in Ethiopia, coupled with one and sometimes two children not wanting to be with us made things very difficult. We made the best of it, although it was obvious to us that not all members of the party wanted to be here. We endured. We loved as best we could. We saw our own flaws and shortcomings. We also saw the death of what was in the Summer, and grieved the loss of what we thought would be our future...
Here is a post from that time period - Me and God.
By Mid-January, they returned home. I put together some things for folks in authority to influence the situation. It was in a sense our last "fight". I can't expound on much, but more heart-wrenching decisions and work involved to fight for a hoped-for daughter. More waiting...
Our focus returned to Ethiopia in another fight to bring our son home. Our case was forwarded to Kenya for further review. The details of our case were deemed to be not exhaustive enough. We hired an attorney. More money...more money we didn't have. More waiting...
We headed to Ethiopia at the end of February. We reunited with Fikre, visited our sponsored children, met new folks along the way, and picked up our son. And from that day, our lives have not been the same since!
Roughly four months have passed. In that time, we were told "No" by our host child from Latvia. Maybe that's part of a "plan" because we couldn't handle more? Maybe we just live in a fallen world and bad things happen...I don't know. I don't need to know anymore. I could piece together details that would make it "look" like things were falling into place. They didn't. It took almost 8 months to finally hear a definitive "No." Heartbreaking. Maybe that is a "Final" no, maybe a "No for now." Time will tell. And as for our son, the stories are seemingly endless of heartache, struggle, frustration, and pain. For the sake of privacy for our son, I'll just say this - we were surprised with a special needs adoption. It has taken every ounce of my being. We are in a spiritual battle each day. So many specialists, so much time, so much energy, so much money...and it has been a lonely road. It has been eye-opening in so many ways.
We are also recognizing our limits. Through careful thought, prayer, and conversation, we are essentially leaving the ranks of homeschooling. That was part of our 'identity' as a family - we were a homeschooling family. That was really tough to let go - never realized how much that had become a part of us until we decided to hang it up.
I've learned, "How are you doing?" is such a loaded question. Most people ask that as a courtesy, but they really don't want to hear the real answer. The real answer? Life kind of stinks right now. People don't like to hear about "icky." I don't like "icky." I'm exhausted and worn out from the "icky." I'm broke. In debt actually. The typical Christian cliches don't work. I don't want to hear, "It's all in God's timing," or "That's all part of His plan," or some other 'pat' answer that is supposed to provide some solace in a situation. Does that really help anyone? Doesn't for me at least. But what am I doing for others? I can't really be there for anyone else at this point. The tank is on E. I'm spent.
The words of Jim Palmer haunt me weekly - do I want to know this God? I am acquainted with pain - more pain than I care to deal with, really. Would I trade it? No. The last year He has revealed to me who I am and what lies I still believe about myself. He has shown me so many things through this time. And this ounce of pain in the world that I've become acquainted with so well is such a minute portion of pain that God sees every day throughout this world. And people endure much greater and more difficult trials than us. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for money. I'm not looking for a trophy. I hope people can open their eyes. I'm shocked at how good I was at insulating myself from this hurting world and building a theology around that insulation process, and touting "victory" from my cave. I'm finding it hard to not harden my heart. I wonder what we are all doing, just content to go to work, pay the bills, attend church, and maintain the status quo. For what? Often times I feel like Solomon in a way - it's vanity, it's vanity, it's all vanity...
June 30, 2011 was the day that we brought home a wonderful girl from Latvia for 5 weeks. For 5 weeks we welcomed her into our home, and she became a part of us. We learned what it meant to live each day to the fullest - we didn't know what would happen at the end of 5 weeks. We enjoyed the time we had together.
August 4th she went home. The most agonizing pain I had felt in a long time...maybe ever. I sent my daughter home on a plane across the pond. Or was she my daughter? Watching each of my children agonize over the loss of their sister was gut wrenching.
The next few weeks entailed whatever leg work I could do to set something into motion to make us a "forever-family." I was told I was crazy for having too many children, and "what is wrong with you?" And this was by supposed Christian organizations...but we've been down this road before. After exhausting all avenues and coming to a deadend on multiple fronts, a process that took months with roadblock after roadblock, it looked like we'd wait for hosting in the Winter.
October 31st, we left under falling snow in Maryland to head for Ethiopia. Our trip was filled with excitement and awe - international travel coupled with the joy of meeting our new son. The highlight of the trip was definitely meeting our new son, but seeing Ethiopia, the countryside, our sponsored children, and the people we met along the way was invaluable. My friend Fikre, whom I met there on that trip, I yearn to return and just spend time with him. I could listen to the stories of his travels and his work with the children all day long. I made a friend for life.
Another interesting thing to note in that time period - as my wife's great grandmother passed away, she had a caretaker whom we met during her last days. She was from Ethiopia. The shortened story - she coordinated us getting together with her brother and his family while in our stay in Ethiopia. Him and his family are so special - they made a feast, helped us around town with shopping, took us to lunch, showed such great hospitality - special people! God was in the midst, taking care of us.
As soon as our trip came to a close, we were confronted with the harsh reality of Winter Hosting fast approaching, and no money for hosting or our return trip months later to Ethiopia. I remember being in Ethiopia with my wife, discussing this issue, and concluding, "God, you're going to have to make money fall out of the sky or something, because we just don't have it!" Within a week of our return, people from all different travels of our journey came forward and fulfilled the remainder of the hosting! God was in the midst, taking care of us once again.
This winter hosting would be different. We were uncertain of our travel to Ethiopia - we thought we might have to travel during hosting! But then with drama unfolding with the U.S. Embassy, it was uncertain as to whether we'd get our son's visa and when. Falsified testimonies, funny dates, pressure of witnesses, no-shows of witnesses was adding to the drama surrounding many people's cases in Ethiopia. We seemed to be no different. With all that swirling around, we were informed that no progress would be made in adoption in Latvia unless we hosted the older sister, too. Hey, what's another child in the mix, right? We'd welcome the sister, too!
Through that month of December, we reached our capacity. Or so we thought. Without getting into airing dirty laundry, it was an incredibly trying month where we saw not only what was unfolding in our home, but what was in our hearts regarding our situation. The pressure of events in Ethiopia, coupled with one and sometimes two children not wanting to be with us made things very difficult. We made the best of it, although it was obvious to us that not all members of the party wanted to be here. We endured. We loved as best we could. We saw our own flaws and shortcomings. We also saw the death of what was in the Summer, and grieved the loss of what we thought would be our future...
Here is a post from that time period - Me and God.
By Mid-January, they returned home. I put together some things for folks in authority to influence the situation. It was in a sense our last "fight". I can't expound on much, but more heart-wrenching decisions and work involved to fight for a hoped-for daughter. More waiting...
Our focus returned to Ethiopia in another fight to bring our son home. Our case was forwarded to Kenya for further review. The details of our case were deemed to be not exhaustive enough. We hired an attorney. More money...more money we didn't have. More waiting...
We headed to Ethiopia at the end of February. We reunited with Fikre, visited our sponsored children, met new folks along the way, and picked up our son. And from that day, our lives have not been the same since!
Roughly four months have passed. In that time, we were told "No" by our host child from Latvia. Maybe that's part of a "plan" because we couldn't handle more? Maybe we just live in a fallen world and bad things happen...I don't know. I don't need to know anymore. I could piece together details that would make it "look" like things were falling into place. They didn't. It took almost 8 months to finally hear a definitive "No." Heartbreaking. Maybe that is a "Final" no, maybe a "No for now." Time will tell. And as for our son, the stories are seemingly endless of heartache, struggle, frustration, and pain. For the sake of privacy for our son, I'll just say this - we were surprised with a special needs adoption. It has taken every ounce of my being. We are in a spiritual battle each day. So many specialists, so much time, so much energy, so much money...and it has been a lonely road. It has been eye-opening in so many ways.
We are also recognizing our limits. Through careful thought, prayer, and conversation, we are essentially leaving the ranks of homeschooling. That was part of our 'identity' as a family - we were a homeschooling family. That was really tough to let go - never realized how much that had become a part of us until we decided to hang it up.
I've learned, "How are you doing?" is such a loaded question. Most people ask that as a courtesy, but they really don't want to hear the real answer. The real answer? Life kind of stinks right now. People don't like to hear about "icky." I don't like "icky." I'm exhausted and worn out from the "icky." I'm broke. In debt actually. The typical Christian cliches don't work. I don't want to hear, "It's all in God's timing," or "That's all part of His plan," or some other 'pat' answer that is supposed to provide some solace in a situation. Does that really help anyone? Doesn't for me at least. But what am I doing for others? I can't really be there for anyone else at this point. The tank is on E. I'm spent.
The words of Jim Palmer haunt me weekly - do I want to know this God? I am acquainted with pain - more pain than I care to deal with, really. Would I trade it? No. The last year He has revealed to me who I am and what lies I still believe about myself. He has shown me so many things through this time. And this ounce of pain in the world that I've become acquainted with so well is such a minute portion of pain that God sees every day throughout this world. And people endure much greater and more difficult trials than us. I'm not looking for pity. I'm not looking for money. I'm not looking for a trophy. I hope people can open their eyes. I'm shocked at how good I was at insulating myself from this hurting world and building a theology around that insulation process, and touting "victory" from my cave. I'm finding it hard to not harden my heart. I wonder what we are all doing, just content to go to work, pay the bills, attend church, and maintain the status quo. For what? Often times I feel like Solomon in a way - it's vanity, it's vanity, it's all vanity...
I have no words ='( but am praying.
ReplyDeleteThanks - been a crazy year here, and with the latest unfolding here, I think 'crazy' is the new normal for the forseeable future.
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