Life Disrupted

A lot has happened since I last wrote.   Life in so many ways got "disrupted."  And in the midst of it all, even though I consider myself a 'friend of God' after years of transitioning out of religion to a life-lived-loved, in my pain I told Him to give me some space.  As of late, I'm finding myself trying to overcome my offense with Him, figuring out how we got here, and sort through the garbage pile of lies and see what is truly of Him.

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” -Matthew 27:46ESV

I can remember feeling this way.  I'm not saying I was enduring any sort of physical death on a cross or putting my trials on par with what Christ endured - I could just identify with the feeling.   Father reminded me this week of a vivid memory - driving to meet a friend just after Christmas, I prayed for most of the hour plus drive saying, "I feel so forsaken and alone, please help me!"  It is a scary, lonely place to be.  But then He directed me to the end of this story:

Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!” And having said this he breathed his last. -Luke 23:46ESV

 Jesus became the very nature of sin on our behalf.  In those moments as he was taking that on, he couldn't see the Father.  A man who knew perfect harmony and and perfect fellowship with the Father lost it.  Wow - that's some loneliness!  And in perfect trust, as he breathed his last, he tells his Father, "Here I come," knowing that He is still there.

I, in a sense, told Him to go stick it.  I was mad at Him.  And He's ok with that.  But after nine long months, I'm crawling back to Him.  That's been really important to understand - I'm crawling back to Him.  He never left me.  I chose to hide myself from Him, not the other way around.  And I'm seeing it's an issue with my trust in Him.  I threw a 2-year old temper tantrum, and He patiently weathered it out.  We walked this rode so through this, God could show me my heart.  Not for His sake - He knows me infinitely better than I know me.  He's just continually showing me my heart - my true reality.  I don't trust like Jesus.  We got to that critical hour in the journey and I said, "I fold.  I'm out."

And after the grand tantrum is over, He's there to embrace me and show me what He has for me.  There is no wooden spoon.