Apathy and the Antidote

I haven't written for over a year. I've had this nagging sense of apathy overtaking my being. Maybe it's partly because I've stopped writing. Maybe it's my love affair with beer. Life was on autopilot. I was ever-increasingly becoming numb to life. I didn't really feel any highs, and not really feeling any lows.

Recently, my wife pointed this out to me. She said she didn't like our trajectory. Of all the Brene Brown and Jim Palmer stuff I loved and repeated ad nauseam, I sure wasn't living that way.

I've been asking myself - where did I go off course? What do I need to do?

I read an article about the sins we deem acceptable in the church. I found it intriguing, honest, and truthful. Unfortunately, I saw too much of my behavior in the sins he was pointing out as "acceptable." I've been increasingly becoming sick of my apathy, and my goto knee-jerk reaction is to blame externals, judge others, and become more apathetic. "Apathy’s best friends are passivity and entitlement."  Passivity was getting the best of me.  I can't blame externals on what's going on internally. Had I lost my wonder of God?

Whew, I need a beer.

Actually, no I don't.

That just contributes to the numbing...

I was listening to my friend Wayne's podcast over at the God Journey, "Going Against the Flow," and things started to piece together. As I listened, it hit me as he was talking about seeing God moving in His life. I find as of late, that conversation isn't happening. I'm not engaged in that conversation. And that's no one's fault but my own. See, too often it isn't as much about "what God is doing" in our lives individually as it is about what

He's supposedly doing in a collective group, ministry or church.  Often times that just translates to the activities and programs surrounding an organization. I don't discount God doing something in the midst of a group, but I think His focus is more on us as individuals. Why do we look for the revival, the big healing wave, the next outpouring, etc. when He's just waiting to engage with me right here?

But back to my point. Often times our activities, programs, or entertainment can just result in, as psychologists put it, "parallel play." This term is defined as children playing in proximity to each other, but not trying to influence one another's behavior.  Whether we do it purposefully to avoid intimacy, or just let the demands of life creep in and sap our energy, the issue still remains.

So my question is - if we aren't having that conversation - is that what leads to apathy? I know there are many reasons why we aren't having that conversation. I'd write a novel before covering that issue. But I can't help but ask this question internally. I stopped engaging in that conversation with others, and eventually with God.  

So instead of ignoring this nagging feeling, I reached out to a friend and we hashed through some of this over facebook chat to see "what is God doing..."

I'll conclude with this - from Macklemore, one of the great philosophers of our time:

Cause' freedom is God. 

Freedom is acknowledging the mask you have on

And possessing the strength to take it off.

Freedom is accepting every step of the path

And when it's hard having faith in the ability to embrace that

That's where you are,

And this is it. 

Life can be a burden or a blessing,

The choice is yours to be connected.

It's there if you want it, you got it, now let it.  

I believe that's the fullness Jesus speaks of - fully connected to this life we have and all that's within it.  It's having the full measure of happiness for ourselves and for others in the victories and successes of life.  It's also having the full measure of sadness and sorrow for not only ourselves in navigating through pain in this life, but also having empathy for others and sharing in one another's burdens as we struggle through the brokenness of this world and our false beliefs that skews reality.

Finding Community

If you find yourself enamored with the idea of starting community, you'll inevitably control it and stifle it.  But if you merely love the people God puts in front of you, soon enough you'll find yourself in the midst of community without even trying.  Let Him take are of community - He knows we need it and it will happen.  If we lose yourselves, it is there that we find Him and we are cared for.

You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought. You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat. You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for. You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family. -Matt 5 MSG

Lessons Learned - a Retrospective

In my work, we have "sprints" and at the end of the sprint, you meet and have a "retrospective" to discuss what we've learned.  This is a lessons-learned of sorts - a retrospective of the "beauty" of our last 3 years.  I can see the beauty and how it prepares us for the road ahead.

August of 2011, the people my wife and I were is so very, very different than from who we are today.  Praise God!  But it came at great cost.  We were naive, excited, and filled with home and expectation.  Had you told us then what would unfold over the next 2 years, we would have turned and gone the other way.

Your word is a lamp to my feet    and a light to my path. (Psalm 119:105 ESV)

God planted the seed of living out "this day" and begin to slow down.  July of that year, He was speaking to us about how to relax into life as it unfolds at the same time, breaking our hearts with what breaks His.  And as we collectively do this - corporately - that's the church.

Second, he uses those situations in which you are challenged by need so great that you know you are powerless to resolve it yourself. Don't despise those moments or blame God for them. He doesn't create them. They simply result from a world out of synch with his desires that fall alike on the just and unjust. He will, however, use everything in your life, including your difficulties, to teach you how to trust Him more freely.

That's how Paul measured his troubles: "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even unto death...But this happened taht we might not rely on ourselves but on God...He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us." (2 Cor 1:8,9)

Taken from The Naked Church by Wayne Jacobsen pp.112-113

Momentary light afflictions.  The overcoming life.

Perspective and Truth

Nothing like a new year and a bout of unemployment to give oneself time to reflect.  I've been pondering many things over the past few days, trying to gain perspective.

So what exactly did Adam and Eve lose in the garden?  What if what was lost was simply perspective?  It says in Genesis "there eyes were opened."  Opened to what?  Their nakedness.  They weren't covered.  Fear.  What if all that occurred was that there eyes were opened to fear?  Instead of being totally enamoured with the goodness of God, they were now had fear, fully engage in the fear of lack, fear of evil, fear of God witholding every good thing....which that would be a lie, right?

Where does this battle reside?  The mind.  I believe that is why Christ died at Golgatha - the place of the skull.  Symbolic - His triumph coming by way of a cross at the house of the mind.   We must crucify our minds, taking our natural reasonings - our thoughts - captive.

Jesus said, "I am the Truth."  Reflecting on the events in our last couple of years, I can't help but ask the question, "What did I learn?"  A friend of mine said, "You'll see the beauty in time."  For the longest time I thought to myself, "yeah right," and told God to take a seat while I sorted things out.  But now - I can see it.  I can see the beauty.  But what exactly is that beauty?  I know the Truth.  The Truth was with me through circumstance.  The Truth carried me through circumstance.  The Truth has taught me who I am.  The Truth has set me free.

For years, I bought into a lie of thinking that freedom came by way of knowledge.  Sure, I dressed it up in a much more spiritually gorgeous cloak, but at it's root - I wanted knowledge about the truth.  In doing so, I missed knowing the Truth.  I would study scripture to learn the rules, understand the principals of the kingdom, then apply them to my life, thinking that if I abided by the truth, clung to an expectation of an outcome, things would work out.  See, my definition of this journey hinged on acquiring knowledge of truth, all the while not really knowing the Truth.  Faith meant conceiving an outcome that I desired, then clinging to that outcome and praying for it will all I had.

It left me empty, exhausted, and ultimately mad at God.

In time, I discovered what was at it's root.  It's no different than what Adam and Eve fell victim to in the garden.  Fear.  Someone once said to me, "Fear is faith for things you don't want."  Isn't that so true?  So why is it so easy to have faith in the things we don't want, but yet so hard to have faith in the Truth?  Every good thing comes from above.  He wants us to know how intimately He knows and loves us.  He wants to shower us with blessing!  The cross gets us back to the garden - no seperation.  So why do we still live in fear?  Why do we think God is trying to withold something from us?  Why do we think God is waiting for us to slip up, just to rip away a blessing?  Fear.  Wrong perspective.

Jesus said, "I am the Truth and the Truth will set you free."  He also said He'd leave behind the helper which would "guide us into all Truth."  Jesus didn't say, "I have a truth."  Jesus didn't say, "I have the truth/"  Jesus didn't say, "I know the truth."  He said it as if it were a state of being.  He *is* the truth.  Paul said we're dead and Christ indwells within us.    

So why is this so hard to understand?  I couldn't help but wonder, "How many of us are free?  Why aren't we free in the church?"  We're still afraid He'll keep us in the dark.  We're afraid we'll miss something and He'll withold some sort of blessing.  So to distract ourselves, we do all sorts of stuff - some "good", some bad.  But we fill the void with stuff.  All the while, trying to navigate that tightrope will of God....fear.  Paul said there are two forces - love and fear.  Which one rules us?

I'm begining to realize what Truth is.  I'm discovering who I really am in Him, peeling all the layers away of fear, seeing who I was created to be in Him.  I was created in His image.  He is pleased with me.  That's enlightenment.  That is True freedom!

Evangelism

I have given some thought to evangelism as of late.  I have listened to discussions on the hour in which we live, who to share with, and how to share.  How would I "share" Jesus?

I thought of an allegory of sorts.  If Jenn, my wife, was always talking about her groom, and someone wanted to meet me, it could look like any of these scenes.  These are some takes on how I would have described Him in the past...

"You've come to meet my groom-to-be?  He is so wonderful.  He is kind and compassionate, always listening.  He is so wonderful.  Let me

  A.) take you upstairs to his room.  I'd love to show you his room.

  B.)  take you into the kitchen.  I can show you our calendar and how many activities we do together.

  C.)  take you upstairs .  I have all his love letters to me bound together in a book.

  D.) show you my jewelry box.  He has given me so much jewelry.  Then I can show you all of the gifts He's bought me over the years.

  E.) show you all the things he's done around here.  He's so good at doing my honey-do list!

  F.) get you to help me with all this stuff I need to get done for him.  I know if I don't do all this stuff and stay busy, he's going to get mad.  But he's so wonderful.

   G.) go get him and introduce you to him.  We can sit back and take a rest, all of us together.  He has blessed me in so many ways!

I think if I was at the door, and the response was A-F, my initial response would be, "Did he die?  Has he left on vacation?  Why can't I meet him?"  Maybe that's where the world is with His bride.  Kind of reminds me of Elijah, mocking the folks worshiping their idols and waiting for their false gods to deliver them.  Or, is it what Jesus said?  Have we waited too long, so we've started beating each other up (Lk12:45)?  I think we have emotionally and spiritually in our hurts, angst, and disappointments...

I can remember in the early part of my walk, if someone asked about my journey, I'd tell them where I went to church, tell them about a pastor or teacher, or all the things we did at the church.  But as I moved into the discipline of prayer, I made my list of what I wanted or what other people wanted and took it to God.  Many times that led to disappointment when my list didn't get done just as I wanted.  Then we moved into charismatic flavors of the church, and it was all about the gifts.  You have to move in the gifts.  And you better be busy pressing in, praying for stuff in a certain way for a certain length of time, or else He'll get mad and smite our state, town, country, etc.  And if it is really important, starve yourself - He'll change His mind if He sees His bride starving herself!  Then, let's make the form different - as if religion at home in a home church is any different than any other religious institution.  Wayne Jacobsen likes to say, "At least the Pope is in Rome." 

Let's call sin for what it is - It is doing anything apart from Him.

I have been there myself [heartache for the lost], I know their deal and devotion; their problem is not their passion, but their ignorance.  They are tirelessly busy with their own efforts to justify themselves while blatantly ignoring the fact that God already justified them in Christ.  -Romans 10:2-3 Mirror

The message puts it this way:

I readily admit that the Jews are impressively energetic regarding God—but they are doing everything exactly backward. They don’t seem to realize that this comprehensive setting-things-right that is salvation is God’s business, and a most flourishing business it is. Right across the street they set up their own salvation shops and noisily hawk their wares. After all these years of refusing to really deal with God on his terms, insisting instead on making their own deals, they have nothing to show for it.

Sound familiar?  Paul could write that today.  God's terms, be still and know Him.  Rest.  Enter into His rest.  It still means works - fruit - but through faith.  It's effortless.  If it is works without faith or *for* Him, without entering His rest, it's exhausting.  Rest apart from Him is merely laziness and life in the lust of the flesh...and that's not rest!

The culmination of this journey is summed up in a Person.  Not in the word.  Not in the law.  Not in experiences.  Not in gifts.  Not even in blessings.  I'm thankful for all those things as a bonus to the Person of Jesus, and the relationship with Him.  Unfortunately I still stay too busy to see Him in everyday unfolding of life.  Today has enough worry of it's own.  See what unfolds as He puts things and people on our hearts.  Live loved!

Overestimating Myself

"The greatest barrier to living-loved is the overestimation of our own capability." -Wayne Jacobsen

I heard that on one of his podcasts several weeks ago.  The words echoed in my soul.  One of those times a man is saying something, but you know it is a living God really speaking through someone to you.  "Is this my problem,"  I wondered.  Is this why I live in a state of joylessness and constantly stressed out?  Within that same podcast, he quoted this scripture:

 What I’m trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don’t be afraid of missing out. You’re my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself. -Luke 12:29-32 MSG

Relaxed?  Me??  Ha!  Afraid of missing out? 

On the way to church one Sunday morning, I could hear that still, small voice whisper, "If I asked you to walk away from your house, would you?"  I thought for a moment, then replied, "That would seem unwise, plus that's a lot of money to leave on the table."  Then He asked, "If I asked you to do something totally different in your career, would you do it?"  He reminded me when we first moved, I had this itch to open a Rita's or a Subway up our way.  New town, no real experience in the restaurant industry - but I was ready to jump.  Man, was that naive and dumb...or was it?  I don't know...within 2 years, 3 Rita's opened up.  They're still around 7 years later.  Have I lost my child-like faith?  Or youthful zeal?  Or am I wiser and better at 'planning a tower' (Luke 14:28)?  I continued pondering, "No way I'd leave my career - I'm really good at this software engineering stuff.  I know what I'm doing - I'm good at it.  If you asked me to farm, I know some stuff about that, so maybe.  But anything else...I don't think so."  Hmm, where am I putting my trust - Him or me?  I started out good.  I truly believe my talents and abilities are God-given, and God watered them along the way to make them flourish.  But somewhere along the way, I took what He gave and ran with it.  Now my trust is in my own capability and not in Him.

There is comfort in sticking with what is safe and familiar.  And for a guy who always wants the 32,000 foot view, there is safety in that, too.  There is also the aspect of knowing the cost.  But in the end, what I'm finding is He doesn't seem too particularly interested in our comfort.  He's more in it for our hearts.  He's after our hearts.  He loves us.  I feel like the season ahead will bring great change if we fully trust and rest in Him.  My wife said this is the season to dream.  That's downright scary!

Life Disrupted

A lot has happened since I last wrote.   Life in so many ways got "disrupted."  And in the midst of it all, even though I consider myself a 'friend of God' after years of transitioning out of religion to a life-lived-loved, in my pain I told Him to give me some space.  As of late, I'm finding myself trying to overcome my offense with Him, figuring out how we got here, and sort through the garbage pile of lies and see what is truly of Him.

And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” -Matthew 27:46ESV

I can remember feeling this way.  I'm not saying I was enduring any sort of physical death on a cross or putting my trials on par with what Christ endured - I could just identify with the feeling.   Father reminded me this week of a vivid memory - driving to meet a friend just after Christmas, I prayed for most of the hour plus drive saying, "I feel so forsaken and alone, please help me!"  It is a scary, lonely place to be.  But then He directed me to the end of this story:

Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!” And having said this he breathed his last. -Luke 23:46ESV

 Jesus became the very nature of sin on our behalf.  In those moments as he was taking that on, he couldn't see the Father.  A man who knew perfect harmony and and perfect fellowship with the Father lost it.  Wow - that's some loneliness!  And in perfect trust, as he breathed his last, he tells his Father, "Here I come," knowing that He is still there.

I, in a sense, told Him to go stick it.  I was mad at Him.  And He's ok with that.  But after nine long months, I'm crawling back to Him.  That's been really important to understand - I'm crawling back to Him.  He never left me.  I chose to hide myself from Him, not the other way around.  And I'm seeing it's an issue with my trust in Him.  I threw a 2-year old temper tantrum, and He patiently weathered it out.  We walked this rode so through this, God could show me my heart.  Not for His sake - He knows me infinitely better than I know me.  He's just continually showing me my heart - my true reality.  I don't trust like Jesus.  We got to that critical hour in the journey and I said, "I fold.  I'm out."

And after the grand tantrum is over, He's there to embrace me and show me what He has for me.  There is no wooden spoon.