It's Not About Me

We have questioned so many times why God called us to this particular work.  We know He did.  He orchestrated this.  But of all the people in the world, why us for this particular child?  We have, what we've been told by numerous professionals, a "hard one."

In our struggles, I have turned to my friend Jim for council, encouragement, friendship...and free therapy.  In one of our recent conversations, as I lamented about not being equipped for the latest round of trials with our son, Jim said, "You've prayed over time about so many things that you wanted the Lord to do - He's delivering.  He's putting you in that place now.  He's answering your prayers!"  We both chuckled.  He went on, "You know, maybe you asked to be become better at spiritual warfare.  Maybe you said you wanted to know Him more."  I interjected, "We asked that our hearts would break over what breaks His and that it wouldn't be about us."

Jim said, "Ha!  That's a death sentence!"  A death to flesh.

Fast-forward a handful of days.  I'm at the kitchen sink, no one else is home but the baby, my son, and me.  I'm attempting to tend to the dishes for about the hundredth time that morning.  I'm spent.  I have nothing left in the tank.  I feel lonely.  I'm wondering, "Will we ever go on a *real* vacation ever again where it doesn't feel more like work than a break?"  I hear from the other room, "Daddy?  Blup, blup, blup.  Daddy?  Blup, blup, blup, blup."  Ugh...more chatter.  "I'm not here, please leave a message," I thought to myself.  I continued on washing a few plates wondering, "Will we ever be empty-nesters?"  I was interrupted in my wanderings again as the volume increased to a level I just could no longer ignore, even in my unconscious state.  "Mommy bye-bye, June-Abby-June-Abby-June-Abby bye-bye.  Mommy, June, Mommy, June, Abby, June, Abby, blup blup blup."  Constant.  Back to wandering..."Will those dark circles subside under my eyes?  What about my wife's puffy eyes?  Will we always look like heroin addicts on botox?  This feeling of every nerve in my body being exposed - will that last forever?  Will I ever enjoy waking up ever again and facing a new day?"

Then again I hear, "Daddy? Daddy pee-pee."

"Wait."

"Ok."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy pee-pee."

"Wait."

"Ok."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy? Daddy pee-pee."

"Wait."

2 seconds pass.

"Daddy?  Daddy - wait."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy?  Daddy - wait."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy? Daddy pee-pee."

"Elijah, wait, ok?"

"Ok."

2 seconds pass.

"Daddy - wait."

5 seconds pass.

 "Daddy?  Daddy - wait."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy.  Daddy?  Daddy, jah, daddy, jah, daddy, jah....ok."

2 seconds pass.

"Daddy!  Mommy bye-bye.  Daddy? Dad?  Dad.  Dad!  Mommy, mommy, mommy bye-bye."

5 seconds pass.

"Daddy?  Pee-pee.  Daddy?  Daddy?  Daddy - wait.  Wait!"

And so it goes...

See, here's the real story behind things like 'pee-pee'.  And there are so many stories behind everything here.  Nothing is as it seems.  'Pee-pee' is typically code word in a situation like this for "I'm bored and everyone has left the room.  I'm in need of attention.  Now!  I know I've only been sitting here for 30 seconds without attention, but that is 30 seconds too long."  And if you don't give that attention - BOOM!  Defiance.  At least negative attention is still attention, right?

I get the "why."  I do.  That doesn't necessarily help nor prevent the nerve grinding.

I'm spent.  Done.

Then I heard that "still, small voice" say, "Remember what Jim said - you'd prayed for...?  He's right - you said, it's not about you."

It's not about me.

I've said it, heard it preached, preached it myself, my wife even has the t-shirt!  Now I'm living it.  I don't really like it.  Funny how God answers our prayers...

Lessons from the Trenches: James 1 With New Eyes

Since embarking on this adoption journey, I've been very familiar with James 1:27.  But this week I decided to do a little study of the passage in it's context.  Some amazing things lept from the pages.  This is the passage from the Mirror Translation:

It was his delightful resolve to give birth to us; we were conceived by the unveiled logic of God.  We lead the exhibition of his handiwork, like first fruits introducing the rest of the harvest he anticipates. Consequently my beloved brethren,  (when you are faced with temptation and contradiction) ponder the Word that reveals your true origin, do not ponder the problem; that is how frustration is conceived. Rather remain silent than to give anger your voice.  (Quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.)  Anger distorts the picture and brings no credit to compliment God’s righteousness. Get rid of any remaining residue of evil that polluted your life before.  Welcome with sensitive embrace the word that powerfully conceives salvation in your soul.  (The inner man, your mind and emotion.)  By being a mere spectator in the audience you underestimate yourself (you come to an inferior conclusion about who you really are) . You are God’s poem; let his voice make poetry of your life!  The difference between a mere spectator and a participator is that both of them hear the same voice and perceive in its message the face of their own genesis reflected as in a mirror; they realize that they are looking at themselves, but for the one it seems just too good to be true, he departs   (back to his old way of seeing himself)never giving another thought to the man he saw there in the mirror.   The other one is mesmerized by what he sees; he is captivated by the effect of a law that frees man from the obligation to the old written code that restricted him to his own efforts and willpower. No distraction or contradiction can dim the impact of what he sees in that mirror concerning the law of perfect liberty (the law of faith) that now frees him to get on with the act of living the
life (of his original design.) He finds a new spontaneous lifestyle; the poetry of practical living.  (The law of perfect liberty is the image and likeness of God revealed in Christ, now redeemed in man as in a mirror. Look deep enough into that law of faith that you may see there in its perfection a portrait that so resembles the original that he becomes distinctly visible in the spirit of your mind and in the face of every man you behold...Meaningless conversation is often disguised in religious eloquence. Just because it sounds sincere, doesn't make it true. If your tongue is not bridled by what your heart knows to be true about you, you cheat yourself.  The purest and most uncompromised form of religious expression, is found at its source. God is the Father of mankind (para, a preposition indicating close proximity, a thing proceeding from a sphere of influence, with a suggestion of union of place of residence, to sprung from its author and giver, originating from, denoting the point from which an action originates, intimate connection). He inspires one to take a genuine interest in helping the fatherless (orphans) and the widows in their plight, and to make sure that one’s own life does not become blemished in the process. 

 So building on this week's breakthrough in my relationship with Father, I realized that while mesmerized by what I saw, and wanting to reflect Him more, anger and frustration was causing me to do more spectating than doing.  But that has changed.  I can see now the poetry He is beginning to write.  The problem comes when faced with the cost.  Jesus said it would take it all.  And it does.  Ouch!  So here we are, putting everything "on the altar" of sorts, giving up homeschooling, going out as a family, different activities, church as a family, and even sitting and eating a meal together.  We've had to let it go.  No expectations.  Entitled to nothing.  We're in this to redeem - to be used by God to bring redemption in the earth.  But as I let go and surrender to Him what it takes to restore this little guy in our home, I can't help but feel a little resentful.  And I find myself considerably offended multiple times throughout the day as our little guy "protects himself" by pulling back, rejecting us, and hurting us with his words and his actions.  So I find myself focused on the problem.  James says, "ponder the Word that reveals your true origin, do not ponder the problem; that is how frustration is conceived."  I was frustrated.  Why?  I was focused on the problem and I forgot who I was.  I am man, He is God.  I wanted to control the outcome, but I don't get to do that.  To the degree I was frustrated with our little guy's unwillingness to relinquish control of his life to us was directly correlated to my inability to relinquish control to a heavenly Father waiting to love us in and through our situation.  And as I remained frustrated, I could feel bitterness beginning to take root.  James said "to make sure that one’s own life does not become blemished in the process."  James must have known this caring for the fatherless would take quite a lot of work!

Lessons From the Trenches: The Joy of the Breakthrough!

Let me apologize up front.  This is out of order.  I have 4 more entries awaiting publishing, but I proofread them and they just look like they were written by an angry, bitter guy.  So context will come within the few days...but hopefully written from the perspective of a guy with a little more grace and peace.

So we've been pleading with God, going bonkers with anxieties and fears, and having way more questions than answers in the last few months.  Questions of "what will we do if he never comes around - never really attaches or acts like a son?"  I can hear the cliches concerning "God's will" concerning our situation - things are bad so we must have missed something or done something wrong or didn't prepare sufficiently.  I don't think things are that cut-and-dry.  Sometimes we can do everything "right" and it still turns out badly in our human eyes.  The events over the last year have really changed by perspective.  We live in a fallen world and bad stuff happens everyday, all the time.  God is with us.  Truth is absolute; my understanding of Truth is not.  I see dimly.  


I'm also haunted by the words of a great friend who said his son, similar to ours but 25 years ago, never came around.  His son opted to live in defiance.  My friend is broken still today.  I don't want to be him - I don't want that story.  That scares me.  But God showed me something - it took 4 months to really understand fully before the lightbulb finally went off.  Of all my friends who love the Lord and are walking with Him, there is one friend in particular whom I would say I look to, honor, and respect the most.  He's a true spiritual giant in the land.  He's gained great wisdom over the years, and he's finishing strong now in his 70's.  He doesn't have a mega-ministry, a radio show, or some great following.  But it is this friend that I look at his relationship with his wife and how he cherishes her - I want that.  It is this friend that I turn to for wisdom - he has a ton of it, but says he has none.  It is this friend whom I respect his understanding of spiritual warfare the most.  It is this friend who has the prodigal son whom he's still waiting to come home and his heart still aches.  And it is this friend whom I envy the most with his relationship with the Lord.  He knows God, and God showed me why - my friend became a friend of God through embracing his trials that he endured throughout his life.  He lived through the heartbreak of having a son who never really came around.  He gained God's perspective of how He sees us - He loves us all,  we're His sons and His daughters, but some of us just never come around.  My friend is continually telling me, "Don't focus on circumstances, focus on what He is doing in and through you through circumstances."  I get it.

This walk is supposed to be about deepening a relationship with Him.  Sometimes relationships hurt.  I asked to become a friend of God.  He is faithful.  We are so new in this process of adoption and we still have hope of things coming around.  A breakthrough came this week - my fears and the cloud with it has been lifted.  No matter the outcomes of trials in life and how it doesn't look like what we expected, He loves me and will continue to teach me to trust in His love throughout this journey!

Lessons From the Trenches: Nothing is Wasted in Him

In the midst of the trials of adoptive parenting, God has been revealing little nuggets of truth along the way.  I write mostly for my own benefit, but if someone else can glean something from my babble, then by all means read.  Here is the first of what I hope to be a number of installments about what I've learned in the beginning stages of this journey.


Exodus 32 says that the Israelites came before Aaron and said, "Come, make us gods that shall go before us."  They didn't know what "came of Moses," so instead of waiting, they decided it would be best to make their own god.  The story goes on as they melted their gold and fashioned a golden calf to worship.  Interesting to note here - there desire was for a god to go before them, but they were tired of waiting on Moses, whom was talking to the one true God.  The story continues with Moses returning and God quite angry with what has come of His people.  Moses returns, asks who is on the Lord's side, and says, "Thus says the Lord God of Israel: ‘Let every man put his sword on his side, and go in and out from entrance to entrance throughout the camp, and let every man kill his brother, every man his companion, and every man his neighbor.’”  So the sons of Levi did according to the word of Moses. And about three thousand men of the people fell that day.  Then Moses said, “Consecrate yourselves today to the Lord, that He may bestow on you a blessing this day, for every man has opposed his son and his brother.”


Fast forward several thousand years.  Acts 2 it says three thousand were added to their number on that day of Pentecost.  They waited around after Jesus had left.  They persevered in waiting.  Jesus had promised a helper to go before them (and us) - the Holy Spirit.  Another thing that caught my eye in this passage in Exodus - Moses' instructions were to "go in and out from entrance to entrance throughout the camp" and to kill his 'brother.'  The 'going' throughout the camp, that's what it takes to bind the strong man.  Jesus mentioned cleaning the house.  We must clean the house first - so many falsified structures built on lies in these children.  So many false beliefs.  Jesus said something about following him at the expense of natural family members.  Full devotion.  All in.  This is a FULL-TIME job, requiring full devotion and no care to who is looking at you and what they think.


What does all this mean?  Not exactly sure.  The Israelites had an honest hearts desire - a desire for a god to go before them.  They just went ahead of God in striving in their flesh to make this god.  It isn't too far off from their desire for a king.  Jesus was the coming King.  The Israelites wanted a king, but they couldn't wait so they got Saul.  Maybe 3,000 perished in Exodus 32, but not in vain.  But maybe it was just merely punishment and God redeemed it thousands of years later.  I'm certainly not diminishing God's holiness or any such notion condoning the behavior of Aaron and the people making an idol.  But I am pondering this same notion of His ways are certainly not our ways.  Sometimes things happen that are much bigger than our lifetime.  It is hard to get that perspective of eternity, especially while in the trenches.  But also, too, what if we didn't look at the Israelites as a group of morons making their own god out of metal, but acting on a misguided hearts desire for something that was indeed Godly?  Maybe their heart desired the right thing, but in execution it failed miserably?  Or maybe they had a desire in their heart, but had expectation of their own desired outcome and missed out.  They just didn't wait and endure.  Reminds me of a blog entry a few years ago I posted about Peter -  Peter fell asleep 3 times while failing to wait and keep watch, later denying Christ 3 times.  Could that be applied to us?  Maybe in our parenting?  Maybe our children deserve more grace - their defiance may in fact be in a hearts desire to do something good....but just comes out really, really wrong.  Maybe things that we've instituted as discipline that makes them seemingly miserable is just days away from a breakthrough, if we're willing to patiently wait.  Discipline is an expression of love...we know that all too well these days...

My wife read me something this morning that equated parenting to putting a jigsaw puzzle together.  But with these children, the puzzle doesn't come with the border pieces, somehow about 15 pieces from another puzzle was thrown in, and we lost 10 of the original pieces.  And as you try to piece things together, you realize the box was left out in the rain and the picture is unrecognizable.  In the midst of the battle, it is hard to see the destination when you can't see a picture of what redemption looks like.  I guess that's what faith is all about.  That's where the Israelites failed.  That's one of the most trying parts of this adoptive parenting stuff - where are we going?  What does the destiny of redemption even look like?

How many times have I had a true desire for something, only to sabotage the initiative by not waiting?  Or maybe as it relates to our situation, I can't dictate the outcome, but God may be using this to do a work in me.  No matter the outcome - good or bad - what is He doing in me?  I don't want to miss out, being too overly focused on the outcome I'm not getting and how uncomfortable and fruitless this process seems to be.  Thankfully, God is in the business of redemption!

Reflections on the last 365 days...

June 30, 2011 marked the beginning of an incredibly wild and crazy year.  I learned a lot about myself, this world, my friends, this world's issues, my identity in Him, who I am as a father, who He is as a Father, pain, disappointment, pain, frustration, and more pain.

June 30, 2011 was the day that we brought home a wonderful girl from Latvia for 5 weeks.  For 5 weeks we welcomed her into our home, and she became a part of us.  We learned what it meant to live each day to the fullest - we didn't know what would happen at the end of 5 weeks.  We enjoyed the time we had together.

August 4th she went home.  The most agonizing pain I had felt in a long time...maybe ever.  I sent my daughter home on a plane across the pond.  Or was she my daughter?  Watching each of my children agonize over the loss of their sister was gut wrenching.

The next few weeks entailed whatever leg work I could do to set something into motion to make us a "forever-family."  I was told I was crazy for having too many children, and "what is wrong with you?"  And this was by supposed Christian organizations...but we've been down this road before.  After exhausting all avenues and coming to a deadend on multiple fronts, a process that took months with roadblock after roadblock, it looked like we'd wait for hosting in the Winter.

October 31st, we left under falling snow in Maryland to head for Ethiopia.  Our trip was filled with excitement and awe - international travel coupled with the joy of meeting our new son.  The highlight of the trip was definitely meeting our new son, but seeing Ethiopia,  the countryside, our sponsored children, and the people we met along the way was invaluable.  My friend Fikre, whom I met there on that trip, I yearn to return and just spend time with him.  I could listen to the stories of his travels and his work with the children all day long.  I made a friend for life.

Another interesting thing to note in that time period - as my wife's great grandmother passed away, she had a caretaker whom we met during her last days.  She was from Ethiopia.  The shortened story - she coordinated us getting together with her brother and his family while in our stay in Ethiopia.  Him and his family are so special - they made a feast, helped us around town with shopping, took us to lunch, showed such great hospitality - special people!  God was in the midst, taking care of us.


As soon as our trip came to a close, we were confronted with the harsh reality of Winter Hosting fast approaching, and no money for hosting or our return trip months later to Ethiopia.  I remember being in Ethiopia with my wife, discussing this issue, and concluding, "God, you're going to have to make money fall out of the sky or something, because we just don't have it!"  Within a week of our return, people from all different travels of our journey came forward and fulfilled the remainder of the hosting!  God was in the midst, taking care of us once again.


This winter hosting would be different.  We were uncertain of our travel to Ethiopia - we thought we might have to travel during hosting!  But then with drama unfolding with the U.S. Embassy, it was uncertain as to whether we'd get our son's visa and when.  Falsified testimonies, funny dates, pressure of witnesses, no-shows of witnesses was adding to the drama surrounding many people's cases in Ethiopia.  We seemed to be no different.  With all that swirling around, we were informed that no progress would be made in adoption in Latvia unless we hosted the older sister, too.  Hey, what's another child in the mix, right?  We'd welcome the sister, too!


Through that month of December, we reached our capacity.  Or so we thought.  Without getting into airing dirty laundry, it was an incredibly trying month where we saw not only what was unfolding in our home, but what was in our hearts regarding our situation.  The pressure of events in Ethiopia, coupled with one and sometimes two children not wanting to be with us made things very difficult.  We made the best of it, although it was obvious to us that not all members of the party wanted to be here.  We endured.  We loved as best we could.  We saw our own flaws and shortcomings.  We also saw the death of what was in the Summer, and grieved the loss of what we thought would be our future...

Here is a post from that time period - Me and God.


By Mid-January, they returned home.  I put together some things for folks in authority to influence the situation.  It was in a sense our last "fight".  I can't expound on much, but more heart-wrenching decisions and work involved to fight for a hoped-for daughter.  More waiting...

Our focus returned to Ethiopia in another fight to bring our son home.  Our case was forwarded to Kenya for further review.  The details of our case were deemed to be not exhaustive enough.  We hired an attorney.  More money...more money we didn't have.  More waiting...

We headed to Ethiopia at the end of February.  We reunited with Fikre, visited our sponsored children, met new folks along the way, and picked up our son.  And from that day, our lives have not been the same since!

Roughly four months have passed.  In that time, we were told "No" by our host child from Latvia.  Maybe that's part of a "plan" because we couldn't handle more?  Maybe we just live in a fallen world and bad things happen...I don't know.  I don't need to know anymore.  I could piece together details that would make it "look" like things were falling into place.  They didn't.  It took almost 8 months to finally hear a definitive "No."  Heartbreaking.  Maybe that is a "Final" no, maybe a "No for now."  Time will tell.  And as for our son, the stories are seemingly endless of heartache, struggle, frustration, and pain.  For the sake of privacy for our son, I'll just say this - we were surprised with a special needs adoption.  It has taken every ounce of my being.  We are in a spiritual battle each day.  So many specialists, so much time, so much energy, so much money...and it has been a lonely road.  It has been eye-opening in so many ways.


We are also recognizing our limits.  Through careful thought, prayer, and conversation, we are essentially leaving the ranks of homeschooling.  That was part of our 'identity' as a family - we were a homeschooling family.  That was really tough to let go - never realized how much that had become a part of us until we decided to hang it up.

I've learned, "How are you doing?" is such a loaded question.  Most people ask that as a courtesy, but they really don't want to hear the real answer.  The real answer?  Life kind of stinks right now.  People don't like to hear about "icky."  I don't like "icky."  I'm exhausted and worn out from the "icky."  I'm broke.  In debt actually.  The typical Christian cliches don't work.  I don't want to hear, "It's all in God's timing," or "That's all part of His plan," or some other 'pat' answer that is supposed to provide some solace in a situation.  Does that really help anyone?  Doesn't for me at least.  But what am I doing for others?  I can't really be there for anyone else at this point.  The tank is on E.  I'm spent.

The words of Jim Palmer haunt me weekly - do I want to know this God?  I am acquainted with pain - more pain than I care to deal with, really.  Would I trade it?  No.  The last year He has revealed to me who I am and what lies I still believe about myself.  He has shown me so many things through this time.  And this ounce of pain in the world that I've become acquainted with so well is such a minute portion of pain that God sees every day throughout this world.  And people endure much greater and more difficult trials than us.  I'm not looking for pity.  I'm not looking for money.  I'm not looking for a trophy.  I hope people can open their eyes.  I'm shocked at how good I was at insulating myself from this hurting world and building a theology around that insulation process, and touting "victory" from my cave.  I'm finding it hard to not harden my heart.  I wonder what we are all doing, just content to go to work, pay the bills, attend church, and maintain the status quo.  For what?  Often times I feel like Solomon in a way - it's vanity, it's vanity, it's all vanity...

Through the Eyes of a Child

It's 4am on Day 2 of our second trip to Ethiopia and I am inexplicably awake. I feel compelled to write a few things down, although I am incredibly exhausted and probably incoherent at this point.
Day one started by arriving at the orphanage where Tariku was staying. What an unforgettable day! This was the moment we had been eagerly anticipating for 2 and a half years. We sat and chatted for a short while, watching the nannies caring for the other children. Even the guards were holding babies! We played with some of the other children whom friends are adopting.
I couldn't help but wonder, though, what was going through our little boy's head. He's old enough to know the drill - he's seen enough children leave that I think he knew what was going gone. He wouldn't let us put him down. As we were preparing to leave, I put him down so I could get up out of the chair I was seated in. He put all his weight into my legs, backing up into me and pinning me against the chair, as if to say, "Don't you dare leave me here!"
We returned to what we're calling home for the week. The remainder of the day was filled with visits from friends, warm greetings from folks we've met in our travels and some new folks, too. In the midst of it all, I developed a new shadow.
As I sit here writing at an hour I'd much rather be sleeping, I'm watching this little guy sleep. I can't help but wonder, "What is going through that little head?" In the last 24 hours, he's been taken by 4 strangers to a strange place with a strange bed. A new place, the 4th place in the last year, to call home. He seems so trusting, and so at peace.
We had a moment during the day that stuck out. In a matter of less than 2 minutes, our little guy tried to jump off a 10 foot ledge, threw a ball at a car, then when retrieving the ball he quickly tried to get into the car, then tried to escape out the gate, then found a wad of gum on the wall and tried to eat it. Every time I told him not to do something, he listened, but he is most definitely testing the limits and boundaries. He's in a sense learning the "law" of the family. Other moments, he's reaching out his arms to be picked up and saying "Papa" - that's enough to make me melt! He's being 'grafted' in, just as Romans points out we are being grafted in through Christ.

For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

God was showing me this is what He did for us and still does with us. Those who had great faith in the old testament were those who believed in the coming Messiah and love for God. The law was given for our good, not as a measure to strive in the flesh, to attain and boast in as our own works, or as evidence of love for Him. I'm seeing maybe I should have a greater love of the law...not to live under it, but just understand it more in order to know more about my Father in heaven.